All That

Again and again

2010-03-12T14:35:00.002-05:00

So.............the boys went home. What a total clusterf#4k. This whole placement was nothing but crap the whole time. The casemanager was so bad at communicating that we didn't even know about a 48 hour visit until we were two hours late getting them there. Then when the boys came back, they smelled like pot smoke and I who is 3 yrs. old was acting out oral sex in the bathtub and touching J who is 2 yrs. old inappropriately. I reported this to the casemanager and she all but ignored it. So, I went to her boss who suspended the visits to investigate. After all this, the judge still ordered the children to go home, they have been in foster care for over two years. When we went to the outside agency to do the transfer, the rude facilitator said to my mother and I, "you can go now". I was summarily dismissed without so much as a thank you. And now I have to go to DCS Monday to talk to the family casemanager and her sup and my licensing manger about what went wrong.
Yup, I am now in waiting for more children. Nothing will stop me from putting the children first.

and again

2010-01-20T15:53:00.000-05:00

3 month old and 2 yrd old when to their aunt's. Now I have 2 and 4 yrd old boys. This makes 18 children so far. And I thought I would never have children!

Again

2010-01-13T14:16:00.001-05:00

3mos old and 2 yrs!! Very busy-very tired!!

Surgery and healing

2010-01-09T14:37:00.002-05:00

I had another back surgery on Dec. 4th and am now healing quite well after some complication and nerve damage.
I have gotten a call about three children who need placement. 1 month old-2 and 4yrs old. I am now just waiting on the call to see when they will be brought to me.
Work is going well and all is calm and peaceful. Praise God for allowing me to serve children in need.
I will be trying to get PG again but don't know when. I am willing wait for the right time.

Two more babies!!

2009-11-18T10:10:00.002-05:00

I have two more little ones, 23 mos and 3 yrs. They have seen alot and are VERY busy little ones. This will mark their 4th placement in foster care. They do have visits with their mother. I think with a little time and putting them on a decen schedule, they should be fine. I was told this would be longer term, so here goes!!

still a foster parent

2009-11-14T12:37:00.002-05:00

I am still fostering and have had two more placements since my last post. I am still waiting for that adoption match and am coming to terms with my fertility issues. I am still hopeful that someday I will get pregnant and have a baby of my own.
I am so busy with fostering and work that I don't blog very much or get to visit my favorite people (hey Tammy!) but I am still around!

One more time....

2009-09-08T16:44:00.003-04:00

3 more children, J is 7mos a beautiful baby girl, M is 2 looks like an American girl doll and A is 8 yrs such a gentleman. This is a short term, emergency placement and my heart goes out to these kids. Apparently they were taken from the home due to "unfit living conditions". The case investigator could not even make it past the front door without gagging from the stench. Little M was eating dogfood and mom was letting her because she didn't have time to feed her real food. Yet, sadly, these children are expected to go back very soon. I can't have children naturally but these cockroaches can have as many as they want and treat them like garbage. what up God?

waiting is hell

2009-08-22T16:02:00.002-04:00

yes it is. I am still waiting for a child. I have told my case manager that I want only one child this time and preferably one who is a newborn with limited parental contact (adoption potential). I know this sounds heartless, but the pain of giving up the children was heartwrenching.
Work is going well, very busy and I still have the overzealous supervisior from hell. Well that's pretty much it. I wish everyone well and you are in my prayers Tammy and Mark.

and now....

2009-08-08T17:10:00.002-04:00

the wait begins again. I took the children home to their mother, who by the way is trying very hard to turn her life around. It hurt more than I expected. It kind of felt like the miscarriages. I am now in wait for a newborn to adopt from the foster care system.
There are a few things I have learned from this experience.
1. the foster care system SUCKS. They put foster parents and kids through hell.
2. they take forever to pay you. I had the kids for six weeks and still have not been paid yet.
3. Parenting is hard, nuff said

WEEEELLL.....

2009-07-21T10:36:00.002-04:00

I now have 3 children. C is age 5, X is age 3 and L is 2. My life have been turned upside down and any thought of painting my toenails or brushing my hair has vanished. I love these kids and they are a challenge to say the least. They have parental visits, dr. visits, dentist visits and visits to the moon. If I didn't have my mom or Donovan I would be screwed. I have taken alot of family time off of work so now my wallet is uber empty. Buuuttt I wouldn't have it any other way. I am a mommy at last.

Good times.....

2009-06-12T10:53:00.003-04:00

Well, I am officially a licesnsed foster parent. I am in waiting for a child and am sitting very close to my phone 24-7. I will be taking newborn to 4 years old and it could happen at any time. And I mean ANY time. My arms are empty and ready to hold that baby. I haven't really thought about TTC for a while but I am not willing to give up on that.
Things are going quite well for now. I am physically doing better, although I hernated another disc in my back. I am prone to disc issues because of a previous back injury. I deal with the pain fairly well, but being pregnant will put alot of stress on my back.
I want to take the time to congratulate those who have their babies by adoption or birth. I am so happy for all of you.

Long time no post

2009-05-06T16:37:00.002-04:00

wow that was a looong break from posting. Here's an update in particular order
1) Foster Parenting- still waiting on the homestudy, paperwork is done and classes are complete. The nursery is done and the most gorgeous shades of yellow and green ever! I am getting exited and so ready to be a mom. I also did some renovations on the rest of the house and now am scrutinizing EVERYTHING. I should be a foster mom by my B-day in July.
2) Health- I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. It hurts all the damn time every damn where but I am taking good medication and am learning to deal with things and take care of myself first. It probably stems from my back injury a few years ago but there is no way of knowing. The bad things is the meds (lyrica) have made me gain weight so I am fighting that off as well.
3) TTC- I will be starting up again in August for sure, I need time to adjust to fostering and get my body strong again.
Let me just congratulate all the folks who are seeing their dreams come true and getting their postive EPT's and babies. For the rest of us, let's just keep trying......together.

quick update

2009-03-11T14:46:00.002-04:00

Just a quick update-Foster parent classes are going great, I am really learning alot and feel that I am just about as ready as I will ever be to take this on. I am getting the house and nursery ready for the homestudy.
Work is going ok. We are getting busy and stay busy on most days. I do feel like morale is pretty low and I try not to let it affect me but it does when the shit gets deep.
Physically, my back is getting worse again and it is causing a domino effect throughout my body. I have gained quite a bit of weight due to medication and lack of physical activity (from weather and back pain). I am doing everything I can to remedy this and hope to be in good condition to TTC by my b-day in July. That's all folks!

Thanks!!

2009-02-24T10:10:00.002-05:00

I appreciate everyone who left a comments on the previous post. I love having a "crew" behind me.
As an update, things are going well. I had my first foster parenting class this past Sat. and it was wonderful. I really feel like things are going forward. Finally. I should be TTC by May if all goes well. But we all know very well the roadblocks that can crop up at any given moment.
My kitty Julia Child had her spay surgery yesterday. She is doing very well so far and is back to her bitchy self. No unlike her mommy at all:)

WHAT?

2009-02-12T16:45:00.002-05:00

to the person who left the last comment asking me to follow the link to the most moronic blog I have ever seen, good for you. You have the freedom of speech to say whatever idiotic thing you want. However, you don't know me or my situation. I don't believe that infertility indicates that a person should not have children. I don't believe that donor concieved children are inherently unhappy, rather, people like you make society a very unhappy place for any child or human for that matter that does not "fit" the mold. I am becoming a foster parent because I believe EVERY child deserves a loving, stable home. It doesn 't matter if that home is parented by two people or one or a family consisted of grandparents, aunts, uncles or whoever.
I am Native American, our family values extend WELL BEYOND the traditional two parent family. We truly believe that everyone in a childs life, regardless of biological ties is responsible to raising a child to be a decent person.

My efforts to reorganize

2009-02-12T10:37:00.003-05:00

Lately I have been feeling rather stagnant. So, I regorganized almost everything in my home and workspace. What a difference that makes. I now have a clear picture of what I have and what I really don't need. I was able to clear so much space and get rid of mucho clutter. I have also noticed that my bank account has benefited as well. Keeping on top of things is much easier than trying to play catch up later.
The paperwork for foster care is about 98% done and I am now getting ready for home study, which will come after the classes. I am also getting back to charting my cycles, which by the by are still weird. I estimate that I will have foster child in my home by June and will TTC by May so, get ready for a full house!

Foster update

2009-02-04T09:09:00.002-05:00

Well, the mountain of paperwork involved with foster parent licensing is massive and I am finally making a noticeable dent. My physical is complete and the TB will be "read" this Friday. Since my training starts Feb21st, my goal is to get all of the paperwork turned in by then. I still have to get copies of my cats rabies vac. and copies of my drivers license and insurance. Oh, and I have to write a family biography. So much to do, it is kind of overwhelming
I have an announcement to make, I have a new little kitty. His name is Rocco Brian (after Rocco Di Spirito and Brian Urlacher) and he is adorable. My neice Jazmin's cat, Miss Kitty, the same cat who had Jaques and Julia had another litter in Sept. Rocco was the last cat left and would have been sent to the humane society but I could not let that happen. Our humane society is overrun with cats and they euthanize most of the new cats coming in. Rocco is not a replacement for Jaques at all, I still miss him terribly but he is helping the healing process. He is white and tan orange tabby and is very sweet and affectionate. So now I am back to four cats. I swear I am the crazy cat lady, they are going to find me 80 yrs old, dead with a million cats eating my carcass and hiding in the floorboards of my house.

The fun begins..............

2009-01-27T12:47:00.003-05:00

So I start my foster care training Feb21st and it should be 5 consecutive Saturdays from 9am to 4pm. In the meantime there is a massive pile of paperwork, including a family biography to complete. So pretty much every moment of my life is spoken for right now. Doing this is keeping my mind off of the bad crap that has happened in the past few weeks.
I have decided that I will TTC again in a few months regardless of a foster care placement. I am just not ready to give up on a pregnancy of my own yet. I am getting out all of my baby stuff that I bought and getting the nursery ready, that is fun and again keeps my mind in a more postive place. I have alot to do to get ready for this child. Here's to a new year that hopefully gets better and better everyday!

My sweet Jaques

2009-01-16T11:06:00.003-05:00

My baby kitty Jaques Pepin, passed away yesterday afternoon. He was just shy of 9mos old. I had him neutered this past Friday and when I brought him home, he seemed fine. However, he had a heart defect that the surgery kind of brought to the surface Wednesday afternoon. I went home early due to the weather and when I saw him, I knew something was wrong. He was panting heavily and could not move on his own. When I brought him into the vet, she gave him a diretic and tried to get him to release some of the fluid buildup but it did not work. Late yesterday afternoon, he died. I miss him so much it hurts physically. I held him for a long time and I still feel like there should have been something I could have done.

New Po*st

2009-01-13T16:51:00.003-05:00

I decided that I would do th*is because every other blo*ger is doi*ng it and i*t looks fun*! Seriously, I am trying on my old sense of humor for a change. Same crap, different day just trying to handle it like I used to and that is with a grain of sa*t.

Warm Wishes!!

2008-12-22T08:54:00.002-05:00

I would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Very Happy New Year. I appreciate every one of you and the support you have given me over the past year. It is so hard to belive this year is almost over already. I have had good times and bad times this year as life goes on.
The bad times were tempered by the love and affection of my friends and family and the good times were celebrated as well.
I am officially announcing that I am going to become a foster mother. I will be training begining Jan. 21st and will taking newborn to 5 yrs old. I do hope this leads to adoption and I will be continuing to TTC on my own as well when the time is right, probably March or April.
All in all good things are coming my way. I wish for a house full of kids this Christmas, maybe St. Nick will make my wish come true by next year!!

Trying too hard

2008-12-09T12:07:00.003-05:00

I am trying too damn hard to get into a decent Christmas mood. I am not feeling it (yet) this year. Between money, baby depression and stuff in general I am downright blue. I know there are people who are worse off than myself but damnit I feel bad. There I said it. We have a young lady here in my office who is due to give birth any moment and I feel bad for feeling bad about being jealous of her. I know my time is coming but right now all I can think about is, this time last year I was sure I would have had my baby by now.
This past saturday night I went to my office Christmas pary at a local country club. The food, drinks and music were wonderful so that was a nice break and distraction from the everyday.
Thanksgiving was at my house and it was nice to have everyone there. Anika and Mekah were the "hostesses" and were making sure everyone had drinks and plenty of food. They are so cute, I am such a lucky aunt Roxy to have SIX wonderful kids who love me so much. Donovan is on the varsity wrestling team this year and is doing great. Jazmin is heading into her last semester as a high school student and we are getting her ready for college life. Aren is a wonderful musician and artist and has a young man he is interested in dating, my brother stands at the back door and watches them so carefully when they have their little get togethers, as he has done for all of this children when they begin dating. So funny to watch! Dalton is a little heartbreaker, he is so handsome and has the cutest dimples and bright green eyes. It seems like everytime I see my nieces and nephews, they get bigger and more grown up.
Mom is doing ok. The lupus is taking it's toll as it often does in the colder months, but she is so strong and her attitude is so inspiring. She never stops encouraging me to keep trying for my baby.
Well, that is the latest quick and dirty update, I know I haven't been blogging as much as I should or commenting on others blogs but I do read them as much as I can and I keep all of you in my prayers. Thanks to all whose kind words have helped me with regards to my last blog entry.

Remembering

2008-11-19T08:50:00.003-05:00

I had a miscarriage, two of them actually, last year. It has taken me this long to really admit it and talk about it. It hurts like hell and is unimaginable in terms of the emotional pain. My mom and I had a little ceremony at my grandparent's grave. I wrote a letter to my babies and buried it next to their headstone. I don't know the sex of the babies, I was barely six weeks along with both of them but I have been thinking about naming them. Gabriel and Ellis. I need some kind of closure on this as I have been so scared to try again. I feel like when I do finaly get pregnant I will need to walk on eggshells until it is "safe" to be happy about it. I would appreciate any input on this from people who have gone through this. Thanks.

No that is not me

2008-11-13T16:18:00.002-05:00

The picture I have posted with my profile is not me. That is my shero, Frida Kahlo. She and I look very much alike with the exception of my padded flesh. I don't have a real picture posted of myself because 1. I don't know how and 2. I still use film, I don't even have digital camera.
Frida's strength and grit are a true testament to what a woman and endure and survive. Like me, her sexuality was fluid and she was not afraid to live and love on her own terms.

Steady as she goes

2008-11-11T16:08:00.003-05:00

Things are pretty stable at the moment, that is really saying something. It is nice to have peace and quiet for once with no big drama happening. I still have my wishlist ie: money, instant weight loss, instant pregnancy etc. BUUTTT things are ok for now. I am so looking forward to have some time off for the holidays, that can't come soon enough.
My heart goes out to Tammy and Mark. Just know that I understand and I love you guys.

YES WE CAN!!!!!!

2008-11-05T10:32:00.002-05:00

My fellow AmeriCANS, real change is on the way. I am so uber exited it is not even funny. I have been raised a liberal, die hard Democrat so this is fun for me anyways. However, my state Indiana has voted Democrat for the first time since LBJ!! We have spoken!! Do you think I have used enough exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back in the saddle again baby

2008-11-03T16:33:00.002-05:00

I am back after a break from baby talk and baby thought. I now have to wait AGAIN to TTC until Feb or Mar. This is due mostly from financial concerns but also about how my weight is affecting my chances. I have to lose weight or has less of a chance to work in my favor. SOOOOO, that is what I am doing. Taking the time to eat healthy and lose weight and also to get my money in order. I took a big hit when I had an emergency and now I am playing catch up and gearing up for the holiday gift buying rush.
Work is going well, we have fun and things are good. Having a sup who is younger does have it's benefits. I just wish I got paid more, but what else is new. We do have preggo lady here and watching her belly pass by me everyday is damn hard. I just have to keep believeing that my time will come.
Family is good. The kids are growing by leaps and bounds and getting mouthier by the day. I love them so much, they keep me going sometimes when I would rather give up.

driving in neutral

2008-10-10T10:11:00.002-04:00

Everything is going well lately kind in neutral on long stretch of highway where you can just listen to the radio and coast. TTC is on hold yet again as I need to get my health and finances in good or better condition before I do down that road again. I am welcoming the break in order to regroup and chart. I am back on Weight Watchers and am doing my best to make it work for me and by hectic lifestyle. I am also spending a lot of time with family which is my main stress reliever.
I would like to give a shout out to my friend TWONDRA!!!!! I will be praying for you and Mark and your little ones as you go through IVF this month.
My friend Anna is in long term care but is not expected to make it past another two weeks or so. She is brain dead so her spirit is gone but her body is hanging on. I have said goodbye and let her go. And I know that is exactly what she would have wanted.

Thank You Rajen!

2008-09-25T10:46:00.002-04:00

If you look at the picture to the right you will see the "pieces of me" mosiac that I created at the suggestion of one of my favorite bloggers Rajen Creation. Here are her instructions with my answers to the questions:
Here’s the meme:If you want to play too, type your answer to each of the questions below into a Flickr search. Using only the first page, choose your favorite image, then copy and paste each of the URL’s into the mosaic maker (3 columns, 4 rows) - I regularly use this one. If you decide to play, leave a comment so I can have a peek.
The questions:
1. What is your first name? Roxann
2. What is your favorite food? Pasta
3. What high school did you attend? Mishawaka
4. What is your favorite color? Red
5. Who is your celebrity crush? Wentworth Miller
6. Favorite drink? Cappuccino
7. Dream vacation? New York City
8. Favorite dessert? Chocolate Ice Cream
9. What do you want to be when you grow up? Clothing designer
10. What do you love most in life? Being loved
11. One word to describe you. Tenacious
12. Your Flickr name. Roxie
This was fun and very interesting to look at when all put together.

My friend Anna T.

2008-09-18T10:19:00.002-04:00

My very good friend and co-worker Anna had a massive stroke Monday while on vacation in L.A with her husband Roman. She is now in a coma and will be have a surgery to help remove a blood clot in her brain. I pray to you God, please let Anna be your miracle today.
It is not fair that the most wonderful, good people are the ones to suffer so greatly. I am probably projecting here but that is how I feel right now. Anna has been so supportive in my TTC efforts and was my walking buddy, although at her pace I was running to keep up with her!

Oh Bloody Hell!!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-12T13:11:00.002-04:00

There was a shakeup in the office and my now supervisor has been promoted and the office busybody (whom no one likes) has become my supervisior. I can't stand this woman. What's worse is that this announcement was made in an all staff meeting that was called this morning. We (the three people directly impacted by this) were not told in private prior to this, we were ambushed in the meeting. I come from the corporate world so working in higher education has been a lesson in taking shit. This would have NEVER happen in a "real" business. I will learn to work with whoever I have to, I am after all a big girl. BUUTTTT, I do not have to be happy about this at all right now.
On the TTC front, not much just taking a break and enjoying the peace. I should be ready to try again in Oct. or Dec.

Thank you!

2008-09-02T13:17:00.003-04:00

Thank you to the ladies who left me such kind comments. You don't know how much better that made me feel. I was wallowing in my misery (rolling in my own shit as my BFF Nicky puts it, such a southern gentleman) for far too long. Everything just seemed to be too much to take, the bfn, the money issues, all of it. You ladies lifted my sprits up and I feel hopeful again. Thanks!!!!!

Feeling better

2008-08-18T09:17:00.003-04:00

I am now feeling a little better and able to get back to life. The disappointment was so hard to take this time and I feel like it gets worse every BFN. I will TTC again in October so it's not that long until that happens. I was able to spend the day with Anika yesterday so that helped tremendously to take my mind off of things. For now, I will concentrate on the here and now and try not to worry too much about those things I have no control over.

BFN

2008-08-15T10:36:00.001-04:00

that's all for today

The wait is the hardest part

2008-08-13T09:21:00.002-04:00

Still nothing much to report. I have some weird crampy, full sensations in my uterus and have not been able to get enough food. I also am very tired but that is nothing new. I will test this Friday morning so CD12 as waiting until sunday is just too much to bear. I have just been praying my heart out that this worked as I will have to wait a few months to try again.

Not much to report

2008-08-11T08:35:00.002-04:00

Still waiting to test. Today is CD8 and I am feeling very fatigued and my moods go from laughing my ass off at pretty much nothing to crying at everything. That could be just from the stress of the TWW. I am still working the 2nd job which is just a couple of hours in the evening during the week, which is keeping me distracted. My first test day is this Friday so I have the rest of this week to wonder what's really going on in my uterus. I will keep blogging as much as I can this week, just to keep sane if at all possible.

Here's the dish

2008-08-05T08:02:00.002-04:00

So I showed my midwife the first pos opk and she said it just wasn't dark enough, which it really wasnt't. So I tested again on Sat and it really was pos, no doubt. So, Sunday morning the IUI was done. It really wasn't painful and I was in my own bed. It took a total of 15 min. and having my Mom there really helped. It was the most perfect timing. So now here I am in the TWW again, 2dpo. I am trying not to think too far ahead but I am staying positive.
I am really tired right now as my Godmother, who had colon cancer for years, went with God this past Friday afternoon. I mourned but she asked us not to do so for very long as her suffering is now over. Peggy Marlene Schultz is now with her beloved.

Weekend...here I come!!!

2008-08-01T13:58:00.002-04:00

Here I am at 1:58p on Friday at work. I am bored and anxious, so ready to go home. You know typical Friday attitude. What is different about today? My IUI is tomorrow!!!! I got my pos opk this morning (cd15) and will do the IUI tomorrow afternoon. Talk about ready, I almost did it today just to get it over with. Good thing my midwife/medicine woman is a rational person and talked me into waiting until the normal time frame. She will be coming over in the afternoon to do the deed and make sure I stay put for at least an hour. My Mom will be there along with Rosa so I will have my wise women by my side, which is a Native American tradition during childbirth.
So, here we go baby!!!!

My swimmers are to arrive today!

2008-07-30T09:47:00.002-04:00

Well, since my opks seem to be getting darker I had the tank arrive today. So IUI WILL be taking place this week or this weekend.
On another note, I was reading through my past posts and realized just how whiney I sound. I use this place to vent but geez I complain a lot. Mostly about money and my job. The clomid does play with my moods but I will try in the future to make mention of the good things going on in my life. Such as, Anika is coming to stay the night with me and Mom tomorrow. We are both so exited. She is now walking and is so beautiful. She talks a little and it is so neat to watch her. I will be taking tomorrow night off just to spend time with her.

And the testing begins

2008-07-28T08:24:00.002-04:00

today is cd 11 and I begin opk testing. I am getting very anxious for this to happen. It seems like it took so long to get here and now it is going full speed ahead.
Last night was Anika's 1st b-day party and she was sooo cute. Mom and I gave her, her first bible and a little precious moments angel doll that says a prayer. The entire time I was imagining my childs 1st day and what that would feel like. I have been very weepy so it was all I could do to keep it together.
On the job front, it has become increasingly clear that taking this job was a mistake. So, I have applied for my old job at Liberty. I am aware of the office politics and the demands of that job and it is very out in the open there. Here everything is covert. I was hired at a way lower salary than what I was making with the promise of a raise in July (this month) and I was given a raise of 250$ dollars. Whoa! stand back I can now quit my 2nd job. The problem is, I am not being trained to handle more responsibility and was now told that they will not be training me for more because they don't have a budget to pay me more. I will not be able to work two jobs while pregnant and this job is not for me. Live and learn I guess. So hopefully, my old job will take me back. If not, then I will have to stay here for a while longer. I am not a job hopper so all of this make me feel a bit insecure. I just keep praying that something good will happen soon.

She has arrived!!

2008-07-21T08:34:00.002-04:00

As of my B-day July 18th AF arrived. On CD3 which was sunday (yesterday) I boarded the Clomid roller coaster. Hold on tight!!! IUI should occour on or around Aug 3rd or 4th if my body cooperates. So I call today to schedule my shipment of lucky #190
Right now I am so exited and it is helping to counter the dissapointment and stress of going back to work after having a wonderful 4 days off. The hot flashes are something else altogether. Especially in this 90 degree 100% humidity heat. Well here we go folks. And word up to Tammy and Mark who did their IUI's this weekend!

Anticipation is the hardest part

2008-07-14T10:42:00.002-04:00

It is not now cycle day 27. I am awaiting AF to start the clomid and get the TWW underway. I can hardly stand this wait. I seem to be getting very iritable with almost everyone. Most of the time I am able to stay positive but there are times when someone will get rude with me (job hazzard in financial aid) and I will want to rip them apart.
Working two jobs is getting a little easier but the people at my full time job who know I clean offices at night are really condescending about it. They would have never known if someone (the office snoop) hadn't seen me changing clothes in the bathroom and asked me why. I foolishly told her and now everyone is calling me Hazel. This is a elitist university and that type of thing is beneath them in their minds. Little do they know how I struggle to make it on my own. Speaking of which I would like to give a huge shout out to all the SMBC's who are doing it for themselves!!

Ok, it happened

2008-07-07T08:24:00.002-04:00

Saturday, finally got a good positive on the opk and sunday was really dark. This morning, was faint, so I probably o'd yesterday by the o pains I had. So, yes, I feel much better. Next cycle will be the big one! I am getting exited and anxious. It should happen around the 1st of August.
Next Friday the 18th is my 33rd b-day. I was hoping to be preg or be a full fledged mommy by now. I am ok with still be on the ttc track but you don't really just get over it, ever. Those with fertility issues understand where I'm coming from. Your mind just never really let's go of the "what if?"
I will be going into Chicago for my b-day and spending the day at the aquarium and having a nice lunch with my mom. That alone will get me through the next two weeks of 13 hour workdays and 90 degree heat.
Good luck and babydust to all!

Should I be worried?

2008-07-03T11:06:00.002-04:00

Today is CD16 and still no clear opk. If anything, those faint lines are getting lighter. I can't help but worry, having a child means everything to me. I am trying very hard to stay calm and distract myself but my mind keeps going back to thinking, "did I do something wrong?". Am I drinking too much coffee, stressing too much, what? Normally, if I O on my own it is around CD 24 so I shouldn't be surprised. BUUUTTTTT I want the Clomid to do it's thing. Ya know?

oh where oh where can my little egg be?

2008-07-02T10:45:00.004-04:00

I still do not have a pos OPK. This is now CD15. I think I may be delaying it with all my stress. So, I will take the 3 day holiday weekend to relax and let it all go.
The working two jobs thing is not that bad. Physically, cleaning offices is hard on my poor, fat, out of shape body, but I will get better with it. I keep reminding myself (as the gas prices rise) that it is for my own good. It will take a good four months for everything to even out financialy but I am not sure that I can do this while in early pregnancy. I will give it my best shot but my baby comes first and I will quit in a hearbeat if I need to.
I keep praying and having faith that I will get my BFP with this next cycle and start off on my own new adventure.

Squeasy Queasy

2008-06-30T09:31:00.002-04:00

Had a great weekend with my neices and oldest nephew, although much too short (as always). I swear, someone should do study on why the workweek drags and the weekend feels like one hour!
OPK's are getting darker and I am getting queasy. I'm not sure why, maybe the clomid? I get this wave of nausea and fatigue and then I'm fine.

Much better now

2008-06-27T12:38:00.002-04:00

I seem to be much better now after a good nights sleep. I still have hot flashes that rival a bonfire but the mood swings are getting better. I start the OPK dance today and have a faint pos so things are getting underway. Just knowing that progress is being made helps me deal with the roller coaster ride that is TTC.
I start my night job this Monday so I may be MIA but I will update as much as I can. I don't know how long I can keep up with the hours but I will quit when I feel it is too much to handle. The goal is to get out of the money hole as fast as possible and then go back to my one measly job :)
Here's to a great weekend for all!!!!!

Ok.......

2008-06-26T08:49:00.002-04:00

This is not fun anymore. I am hot, tired and can't sleep and feel like either crying or screaming....or both. I felt like crap yesterday and had to leave work early in order to just decompress. I am doing my best not to stress out over little things or big ones. Money is always in the back of my mind right now, especially when my gas tank is low. I just need to keep relying on God to see me through. I know that all of this is going to get me my baby so I can take it!

all is well

2008-06-23T08:33:00.003-04:00

This is day 4 on Clomid and so far everything is fine. The only side affect I am feeling right now is hot flashes and fatigue. Other than that, so far so good. I have been feeling somewhat heavy in the ovaries but nothing I can't manage.
Yesterday I got to spend the day with my two youngest nieces Mekah and Anika. It was so much fun and exhausting. Anika is learning to walk and never wants to be still. Mekah is three years old and never stops asking why. We spent some time in the kiddie pool until it threatened to rain and then watched a few Disney movies. It was the best day I have had in a long time.
I have been really, super stressed about money lately. So I had a very long talk with God and came to the conclusion that no matter what, I will be fine. I may up to my eyes in bills and a loan that I have to pay back in month, but I can do this. There are things that I can cut out until things even out (starbucks and eating out) and taking the bus three days a week is not going to kill me (at least it's air conditioned). Such is the life a single income household. It does me no good to stress about something that I am already do what I can to resolve. God takes very good care of me and will not let me fail.

And were off......

2008-06-20T10:30:00.003-04:00

CD 3, day one of Clomid. So far so good, just a little dizzy at the moment not at all unpleasant. However, I do reserve the right to change my mind on that. I am so exited and ready to do this.
I am trying to stay positive in light of the money problems going on with me right now. I had a long talk with God and decided that whatever happens, I will be alright. Even if I don't work a 2nd job, it will take me a few months to dig outof this money hole and I am so determined not to get in another. I will also be taking the bus to work for while which is free with my employee id card. I have to leave the house an hour early every morning but it should save me at least 40$ a week in gas.
I have parents calling everyday telling us that they are losing their jobs and homes and can't pay for their kids to go to school anymore. It breaks my heart and at least I have my job and home.
Well, more Clomid updates to come. Good luck and babydust to everyone!!

The sad state of the economy.......

2008-06-18T08:08:00.002-04:00

reflected in my life. I now have a 2nd job, working part-time in the evening cleaning offices. Why? For fucking gas money, which by the way is now $4.19 here in South Bend. Can you tell I'm angry? I was doing just fine getting along on my little salary. Granted I was never able to go to Europe or buy 10 vials of sperm at a time, I was making it. Then IT happened. I had to have a tooth extracted and my insurance won't pay for it. So, in order to not be in mucho pain, I took money out of my account and paid for it, which put me in a nice, big money hole that I can't seem to get out of without a 2nd job. The really shitty thing is, there are other people working this night job who are in the same situation as I. College educated, middle class, working folks who can't seem to cover all our expenses with just one job. The good news is this should be temporary and is only during the week, no weekends. It seems like the price of EVERYTHING went up and my paycheck didn't get bigger. So here I go working from 8am-11pm m-f while trying to stay calm and healthy before my big TTC cycle next month. BTW---today is cd1 of the "great dry run of 2008" so I should be starting the Clomid this Friday or Sat.

getting soooo close

2008-06-12T15:15:00.003-04:00

Well, it's almost time!! Things worked out ok with the money. I was able to sell my season football tickets and now have ordered my vials and have my clomid ready to go. I am so glad I switched to Midwest. When I ordered my donor the director herself told me alot about my donor. He has confirmed pregnancies and is a great guy with "pretty green eyes". I feel so strongly about him.
The OB recomended a "dry run" for this next cycle, so I will be taking the clomid without doing the IUI. So here we go :)!! I am so ready for this. Dr. E says clomid tends to have a cumulative effect so taking it for one month before the IUI may increase my chances of BFP. I am a bit worried about the side affects but that is par for the course. Mom said that the side affects sound alot like pregancy itself so it will be practice:)

Crap!!!

2008-06-09T10:55:00.003-04:00

Why does this always seem to happen??? I had an unexpected expense (dental surgery) and now my checking account is majorly overdrawn, which means I will be taking a small loan for the IUI this month. It won't take me long at all to get caught up, but I hate feeling as if I have no control over my fiances. I was doing so well until this happened. Because I only get paid twice a month, I sit on pins and needles until my next paycheck. The cost of gas here (4.05!!) is also causing me to hyperventilate. I will be taking public transportation at least a few days a week for the summer, this should save me at least 30-40 bucks a week. Let's hope this all blows over soon. The best case senario is to get PG right away as I don't have the moulah to try a second time for least a few months and I am so damn tired to waiting.

Almost there!!

2008-06-02T10:27:00.002-04:00

Can you believe it is almost time already? My IUI should be at the end of June, provided my body cooperates. I have one more cycle before the cycle that I do the deed. I have OB appt this Thurs. to get instructions on Clomid and make sure everything is set for the go ahead. I am hoping the side effects are minimal as I do work with the public and don't want to bite anyones head off!
I haven't been posting or responding to the boards lately as my computer has bit the dust:( and I don't know when I will get it replaced. I need all the cash I can get right now. Of course I hope I get my BFP on the first try back from a loooong break but I need to be realistic and have cash available for a 2nd try if needed.
Here's to a great summer kickoff filled with BFP's for all!!!!

Long time no talkie

2008-05-27T09:20:00.002-04:00

I know, it's been almost a month with no update. Things are pretty steady around here, not much going on. Weather is getting consistently better and I am getting more active. Weight loss has stalled but I am still working on it and probably always will.
IUI is still set for June, probably late in the month. That decision was made due mostly to finances, otherwise I would be trying this cycle.
The stresses of everyday life come and go and I am trying my best to just deal with them. Work is great other than the occasional asshat coworker. Finances are getting better, but sometimes I wish it would just rain money. As if :)
Congrats to all the BFP's and to Michelle and Nick on their impending adoption. Good luck and Babydust to all of us TTC!!!

Beautiful day!!

2008-05-04T18:10:00.002-04:00

It is finally spring my friends!! The sun is out, yard work is getting done and my body is sore!!! All winter I pretty much sat on my butt. I lost about 12 lbs. then promptly gained it back when I got sick and held down the damn couch for weeks on end. I have been up and about the past two days and now my body is paying me back.
I have roughly a month and a half before the IUI! Right now I am concentrating on getting rid of coffee (can say headache?) and taking my vitamins on time. I may not hit my weight loss goal but I am so happy right now. Having my family's support has meant the world to me. Speaking of which, look at the pic of my neices and nephews on the left! I may be a little bit biased, but aren't they gorgeous? Here is to a great week for all!!

Food for the TTC soul

2008-04-27T15:50:00.001-04:00

A baby asked God, 'They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?' God said, 'Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you.' The child further inquired, 'But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy.' God said, 'Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy.' Again the child asked, 'And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?' God said, 'Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak.' 'And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?' God said, 'Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray.' 'Who will protect me?' God said, 'Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life.' 'But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.' God said, 'Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you.' At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, 'God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name.' God said, 'You will simply call her, 'Mom.'
My sister in law sent this to me last week. She just knew that I am getting anxious and ready to do the IUI. I keep have the most wonderful dreams of seeing two perfect lines!!
My nieces cat had six of the cutest kittens in the world. I have already picked mine out. A dark calico girl I have named Julia Darling.

On the way up the mountain

2008-04-20T21:21:00.002-04:00

It looks as though things are really getting good. IUI will be on schedule in June, finances are on track, job is great and family support is 110%. Such a turnaround from this time last year. I can't believe I was so naive to think I could go it alone. I also can't believe how much I didn't know about my body and TTC. I thank all the ladies on the NW for educating me.
Speaking of which. The NW board has become a place where assholes are attacking those of us who are there to get and give support. I hope to God they get lost.
Here's to a great week with the love, laughter and more love!!

Mom's new knee

2008-04-13T20:35:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in while due to some illness(major stomach bug). Work is going wel,although I have taken a couple days off for the illness. We are really busy and the days are going by fast. I continue to learn and continue to love every aspect of it. I thank God I was given this opportunity to leave Liberty Mutual and move on to Notre Dame. What a blessing!!
My Mom had knee replacement this past Friday and it went really well. She will be coming home tomorrow afternoon. I moved her bed upstairs with me until she is able to go back downstairs to her apartment.
I am getting really anxious for my IUI in June. It is coming up really fast. I keep doing everything I can most of the time to get my body ready for it. I am doing these visualizations of the procedure going perfectly and getting my BFP the first time. I can hope right?

GO DONOVAN!!!

2008-03-30T16:54:00.002-04:00

My gorgeous, wonderful, talented 15 yr old nephew has won 1ST place in his wrestling tourney. He has worked so hard this season and really dedicated himself to training and his grades. Can you tell how proud I am?
In TTC news, I have found someone who will do my IUI at home for free!! A very close friend of mine who is a former nurse and knows how to do IUI's is more than willing to do mine in my home whenever I need it. This helps in that my insurance, which is through a very Catholic unversity will not pay for this at all, not even the meds. This takes a huge weight off my shoulders. Things just keep getting better and better.
In contrast to the previous post, I really do love my job. I enjoy what I do and where I work. There will always be those people that try to spoil it, but I can ignore them and do my best. I have to thank Tammy and Mrs. LALA and Marlana as well as all of the NW message board girls who have given so much suppport over the past year. You lassies have no idea how much you have lifted me when I felt like giving up. OH and Mrs. LALA...CONGRATS on the BFP!!!!!!!!

Pollyanna psycho bitch

2008-03-27T21:42:00.002-04:00

The "temp" at work, mentioned in previous posts, is seriously crazy. She acts like two different people depending on whose around. She really wants my job, although it is mine and will remain mine. So, she does profoundly stupid things to make me look bad and ends up showing her own ass. She tells my supervisior every little thing she thinks I may be doing wrong and I mean everthing such as "Roxann went to the restroom 3 times today". She also claims that everytime I go to the back room to work on a project I was assinged to, the phone rings off the hook and she is just too busy. Little does she know that I have a phone in the back room and can see what lines are ringing. I remain calm and professional at work, so when I get home, I vent. Big time. The only consolation is I know she will be gone by June. :)
Af is on time again like clockwork. I just hope she decides to be this regular when IUI time comes. I have not been walking this week due to a migraine and the crappy weather so I feel a little stiff and groggy. It is amazing how fast the body adapts to a healthy lifestyle and will let you know when you mess it up.
Well, here's to a great weekend. I am going to see Donovan wrestle Friday and Sat. Good luck D!!!

A new spring in my step

2008-03-16T14:59:00.002-04:00

I can't explain why but I have just fallen in to this really wonderful state of mind recently. My moods have been postive for the most part and my diet and excercise plan are going great! I have lost 12.5 pounds total and the loss is going really slow but I feel good about it. My energy level is increasing and I am ovulating again. My LP is still 6 days or less on average and I have begun taking Vitex in an effort to help it along. I will still be using Clomid for the IUI in June.
I am still walking on my lunch breaks and now that the weather is getting better I am able to walk around one of the lakes we have on campus. I am also getting off the pain pills I have been taking for my back. I have been on these for about three years except for the few months I was TTC last year. I don't feel that I need them anymore since doing the back strengthening and losing weight. My Dr. told me that due to the length of time on them I may have a few weeks of "discomfort" whatever that means. I don't care I will get through it. Well, here's to a great week full of sunshine and BFP's for all!!

Food for the soul

2008-03-09T21:19:00.002-04:00

It is amazing how spending time with children can really re-energize my outlook on life. I had my niece Mekah and my nephew Donovan this weekend. We went to the library and rented movies and just really had a great time. This has been a fairly hard winter on my mind and body, so being with them was really special. It seems as though the weather may be finally breaking into spring this week. We will keep our fingers crossed!!!!
I am doing very well on my diet and excersise plan so I may be moving the IUI up to May. I am sticking to my healthy eating 90% of the time which is my personal goal and walking everyday on my lunch break. I am also starting prenatal yoga at night to help me strengthen my muscles and quiet down my mind. I am so ready to get PG that sometimes I can't even sleep at night!
Finances are also looking better as things get back on track. The job is great and I love it. There is one woman, a temp for the busy season, who really gets on my nerves but I am dealing with it. She wanted to be hired for the job I got but didn't get it and she never fails to mention it daily.
Oh well, I got the job and I'm staying put!!

A new day

2008-03-01T18:20:00.002-05:00

I feel so much better. The past few weeks have been pretty rough for me. Lack of sleep and sunlight were not helping my depression. Well, this past week I took really good care of myself and got plenty of sleep and good healthy food. It has made all the difference.
I have a donor!!! I went over my top 4 choices and finally found my favorite. I am very pleased with my decision and can't wait for June when I will have my IUI. It may seem like a long time from now but I know from experience that time flys. I haven't been charting like I should and need to get crackin on that.
Well, here's to a great weekend and to all my ladies currently in the TWW....BABYDUST!!!!!

The question that never gets an answer

2008-02-24T21:38:00.002-05:00

Why? Why is it so easy for some people and so hard for others?
This past week I found out that a 15 year old girl that I used to babysit gave birth to a baby boy. A woman at work found out she is pregnant and can't stop talking about how she doesn't want this baby. Both of these things have put me in such a slump that I just need to vent and get it out. It makes me so damn mad that some people get the world on a platter presented to them without any effort on their part and I have to work so freakin hard for EVERYTHING I have. I know it sounds like I am just being a whiner but this is how I feel. I try so hard and I watch others get everything done for them and they don't seem to appreciate it.
I will celebrate the day I become PG and everyday of my pregnancy..morning sickness and all. I will thank God for labor pain, poopy diapers, sore nipples, hemoroids, 2am feedings and never having any money or time for myself.

Taste of Spring

2008-02-17T16:50:00.002-05:00

Today is warm (42degrees) and rainy although I don't mind the rain. Yesterday I finally was able to get out into the sunshine. It's just a little spring teaser. I went on a bargain shopping trip with Mom and got some pretty good stuff. Every once in a while we will hit all the Goodwill and Salvation army stores in town. It's a way to have fun and not spend a lot of money. I made sure ALL my bills were paid first so this was totally guilt free.
A very special shout out to Michelle and Nick who after years of TTC, got their precious BFP with IVF. I am praying for a healthy and joyous 9mos ahead for both of them. When I read the news I cried and laughed and it felt like getting my own BFP.
Speaking of which, I have lost 10.5 lbs so far and my cycles are already getting back to "normal". I'm thinking May or June for the IUI. I am staying focused on getting healthy and doing the right things for my mind and body to prepare for my little angel.
Here's to a great week ahead for all!!!

flu

2008-02-12T15:13:00.000-05:00

I have been so sick this past week with the damn flu. I have taken the past two days off work which is not good at all. I know I need to get well but I hate to think what I am missing when I'm gone. Flu is running rampant on the ND campus this very harsh, craptacular winter so there are a lot of us out of the office. It all started with one person coming in to work sick as a dog and bragging about her "great work ethic" because she came in to work feeling horrible. Since then, which was only two weeks ago, we have all fallen one by one. Hope everyone else if feeling well and staying strong.

Happy B-Day Mom!!!

2008-02-03T19:54:00.000-05:00

Today is my mom's 58th b-day. I love my Mom so much it is crazy. We have always been close but this past year we have grown so much closer. Since I have been TTC I understand her so much more and having her support me through all of it has meant the world to me. I made her a dinner of her choice which was-tomato salad with fresh mozzerella and cilantro, southern fried buttermilk chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans with bacon and slivered almonds and a lemon tort with lemon custard ice cream. I think I just gained 5 lbs typing that out :) We also got to spend a little time with my youngest neice Anika who is 7mos old. We don't get a lot of time alone with her because my SIL is a little weird about controlling her children when they are babies. Oh well, that's her perogitive.
It was a good day and right now I am keeping one eye on the superbowl and I am hoping the Giants win. When my Bears aren't playing I like to root for the underdogs.
Here's to a great week filled with wonderful people and positive experiences.

About that car of yours....

2008-01-30T19:17:00.000-05:00

Well it was about 20 below today and my car doors were frozen shut. So, I called in to work and let them know I wouldn't be in. An hour later when I got the door opened and started the car, it acted as if I were killing it. Spitting, sputtering and misfireing like crazy. So I took it down the block to my mechanic where he found that it needed new iginition (spark plug) wires which will cost me over 200$ with labor. So here I am now even more broke. CRAP!! I am so frustrated. Why can't these things be spaced out instead of happening all at once. Add to that I had to call in to a job I just started. They understood but still that does not look good.
On a different note heres a shout out to Tammy and Mark who are leaving for Hawaii on Saturday!!! You guys are so lucky to get out of this midwesten tundra. Have FUN!!!!!

Good day

2008-01-28T20:21:00.000-05:00

Hada good day today. Just a plain old good day. Nothing spectacular happened other than AF showed up in her normal way. My car is still having issues, I'm still short of cash but I feel good. I guess I just realized that life goes on even when I have my problems. I'm sorry it took me 32 years to figure that out.

SEVEN!!!

2008-01-26T19:15:00.000-05:00

That is how much weight I have lost as of this morning!! I guess when I really put my mind to it I can do it. Nah really, my secret is I have been taking Alli, the pill that removes 25% of the fat you eat. It was expensive but I figured it would be a good tool along with a healthy diet and so far so good. I have not had any the the "treatment effects" as they are called which it hard to control bowel movements and oily stool. I am too afraid of crapping my pants to go over my fat gram allowance LOL!!
I have also been walking from the parking lot to my office which is about a 1/4 mile instead of taking the shuttle and walking the stairs at lunch. I would be doing more but it has been subzero here for most of the past two weeks.
I have also found a great financial plan on the web and will be going by a budget that it created to get back on track within the next few months and get my ass out of debt. I have a bad habit of going shopping when the going gets rough and baby has it been rough the past several months. I got myself in over my head and will get myself out.
Every positive step it take gets me closer to my little angel. I keep saying that don't I? Well I guess it will be my mantra!

$2,475

2008-01-23T21:32:00.000-05:00

That is how much my ER visit cost. WOW!!! Gratefully I have pretty good insurance and my co-pay is $120. I can handle that. Speaking of money, when is rains it pours and I don't mean in a good way. My car started having some issues with the cold weather (it is -12 here in IN) and I took it in to have it looked at-that cost me 60$. Of course there is nothing wrong with the car other than it is 11 yrs old. Also my highly advanced system of keeping track of my bills( putting them in a drawer and then paying them online when they are due) has failed. Three different bills fell in the back of the drawer and are now late so not only do I have late fees I have to make two payments to catch up. I am usually not this disorganized but with not feeling well lately I have just let some things go. So my plan is to catch up and try like mad to get ahead with my tax refund which I should have by late Feb.
I have lost 3lbs!!! I feel really good about that considering that I have not been able to excerise as much as I would like due to the weather. Every pound lost is a step closer to my little angel.
Work is also going very well. I feel so at home there and have made some great friends. No one knows about my TTC and I won't tell until I feel it is appropriate. Leaving the job from hell was the best thing I could have done.
Last but not least, I am sending baby dust to all my ladies in the TWW or headed there this week (shari!!). I am also sending love to those who have had a loss. It hurts my heart to hear when someone has lost their precious little angels. Peace be with you.

Gigglebaby tagged me!!!!

2008-01-20T20:25:00.000-05:00

http://gigglebaby-gigglebaby.blogspot.com/
The Rules:1) Link to the person that tagged you
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!six things about me
I love shopping on ebay which is where I get most of my opk's, I vacum my carpet everyday and get cranky if I can't get to it, I love ice cold water I won't drink water unless it is iced, I have to take a shower every morning-I won't leave the house until I do I don't care how late I am running, I read every night before bed-I have a hard time sleeping if I skip reading, arrogant people make me so mad-they can set me off in a hot second.

OK here goes I tag Nubianlez http://nubianlez.blogspot.com/
Candace http://www.bringonthediapers.blogspot.com/ And Deena http://thelazyp.blogspot.com/

Answers

2008-01-16T21:11:00.000-05:00

Well, I did have a cyst on my ovary that burst. It hurt like hell and now I am healing. Dr.E also confirmed that my weight is a huge (pun intended) factor in the irregularity of AF and ovulation. Now I just need to keep working on it. She wants to see me in 3 months to check everything and see if I am ready to TTC again. I don't think I have lost any weight yet but I am still going at it.

My Saturday in the ER

2008-01-12T22:13:00.000-05:00

Wow what a way to spend my weekend! Here' s the lowdown. AF finally left wednesday. Since the bleeding stopped I have been having very bad cramps that have gotten increasingly worse. I can't miss any work because I just started this job so going to the Dr. really wasn't an option. This morning I went to see my brother (who tore his ACL skiing by the way) and when I lifted my neice to hug her I felt a pull in my lady parts and the cramps got even worse. On the way home from Jimmy's house my mom convinced me to go ahead and go into the ER and get checked. I had a four tubes of blood taken, peed in a cup, had a pelvic exam by the roughest old man Dr in the world, had an ultrasound and a vaginal ultrasound. Well, I have a cyst on my right ovary that may have burst. They really didn't have an answer as all the tests were well within the normal limits. I did find out that the blood flow to my ovaries is very normal and my uterus is tilted. I have to follow up with my OB/GYN so I will have to go on my lunch break or something. I feel better now after some pain meds.
I guess I am just feeling really down about all this. All I want is to be a mom. Now I feel like a failure. Added to that some unexpected bills came in and I am in a financial tight spot for now. I know things will even out and I will get pregnant eventually but right now it just feel insurmountable.
On the bright side the new diet is going somewhat well. Not perfect but I can see some new habits forming as I get the hang of this. And work is going really well. I am learning the ropes and working under the "golden dome" has some really great perks.
Well, here's to a better rest of the weekend!

UH OK

2008-01-06T20:26:00.000-05:00

AF is finally tapering off very slowly. I still am not sure what the heck is going on here.
I am starting my new diet tomorrow. The more I read, the better I like it. It starts with phase one which has me start to change habits by asking me to eat breakfast, stop eating two hours before bed and start moving more. I like that the changes are gradual and with that more likely to stick. Then it moves on to more changes once the new ones have become habits.
I weighed myself this morning for the first time in months. What I am about to say shocks an embarasses me and normally I would take it to my grave. But I fear if I do keep it to myself then the grave may come sooner than expected. I weigh 259 lbs!!!!! I am 5'5 so this is a very noticable thing. I denied my weight gain for sooo long that I did not know how much damage I was doing to my body. This is the most I have ever weighed and this is not a healthy pre-pregnancy weight. I have made a firm decision to lose at least 50 lbs before even starting to think about the IUI. I believe that my recent reproductive problems are due in large part to my weight. I can do this. I put on the weight and I can take it off. I want my baby so badly it hurts and My body needs to be in optimal health to handle this.
Well, enough confessions. Here's to a fantastic week!!!!!

26 days???????

2008-01-03T21:40:00.000-05:00

What the fuck? I apologize for my language but this is scaring me to death. I have been bleeding for 26 days straight. The past three days have been very heavy bleeding and I am soooo tired. Dr. E ran a complete blood count and everything came back better than normal. She said to rest and drink plently of fluids. This is normally when I would be starting my next cycle so she wants to wait a few days and if it does not taper off we will see about a D&C. She really thinks I had miscarriage and with my wacky hormones this is really screwing with my body.
I have made the very hard decision to wait until at least March to TTC again with the IUI. I need time to adjust to this new job (which I love by the way) and get the $ straight. Also, with what is happening with my body I need to get healthy. I am starting the "Best Life Diet" created by Bob Greene. I decided on this because it is a total lifestyle diet and is very long term and healthy as a pregnancy diet as well. Mom is going on this with me. I ordered the book and two journals and they should be here this week. Six years ago Mom had gastric bypass and lost 235 lbs!! She has since gained back 60 and her health is not so great. We really need to turn this around. Since she will be my live in child care provider I have a great stake in getting her as healthy and strong as possible.
Well here's to a great Friday and Babydust to all my ladies in the TWW. Tammy and Gigglebaby you two are really on my mind this week.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

2007-12-31T22:56:00.000-05:00

As I sit here only one hour before the new year begins I pray for each and every one of my family member, friends, co workers and all of the ladies I have met on the NW TTC board that this is the year that our dreams come true.
I read over my blog posts for the past year and detected an air of negatvity. True that some craptacular things have happened, however some very wonderful things have taken place as well.
My niece Anika was born on July 27th
I started TTC and am grateful to catch the issues before I tried in vain for many months
I left a toxic job and relationships and moved on to a spectacular job at a top university where my skills are appreciated and I can truly make a difference
I have had a surgery that repaired my back and I no longer live in fear of being bedridden
I have made progress financially, even while taking a paycut
I could go on and on with the beautiful little blessings that have taught me so much this year. There has been some major healing taking place very recently and I can tell that it will only continue to get better and better.
And to my little one who is waiting to come to earth and fill my arms. Baby, mommy is ready for you. I promise I will make sure my body is healthy enough to be sure you are comfortable in my belly and will grow strong. Grandma, Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Michele, your cousins Jazmin, Donovan, Aren, Dalton, Mekah and Anika are all so exited to greet you into our family. Just be paitent and stay with Jesus until he decides that mommy's body is ready. I love you my little angel.

Moving forward while looking back

2007-12-29T22:56:00.000-05:00

This time of year for me is a time to look back and learn from my experiences while gearing up to move forward with positive changes. I do make "resolutions" each new year but I prefer to just simply call them goals. My goals this year are 1. get pregnant! Duh 2. eat healthy 95% of the time and keep up with the excercise 3. pay off all bad debt like my car and credit cards. This all sounds like the standard goals that I set for myself last year. The difference is this year I feel a different sense of urgency about them. My body is telling me that she does not like being this fat and does not like the stress at all. When I was in my 20's I always felt like I had more time to turn around bad habits. Now I feel like it's now or never. My heart and home are ready for my baby but my body is too out of whack to consider it. I hate to think about it but the best thing may be to put of the IUI just a couple more months to get my body in better shape. Financially it would not hurt to wait and get some things taken care of first. I haven't made the decision yet but it is weighing heavily on my heart today. I just want my baby so badly but I don't want to be an unhealthy mom in any way.
Speaking of TTC, AF is still here 21 days later. What is happening? Dr. says that I may need a D&C. This kind of freaks me out. She also says that my weight may be a factor in the hormonal imbalance. I had a back injury and surgery last Feb. and have gained ALOT of weight since then. I have always been a curvy, bodacious mama :) but this is ridiculous. I hate strict diets but have heard good things about Weight Watchers and the "best life diet". If anyone has any ideas let me know.

Peace and Quiet

2007-12-25T22:25:00.000-05:00

Christmas eve dinner with the family at my brother's house was nice, but interesting. My SIL side of the family is very competitive with the kids by attempting to purchase their love. My side of the family, not so much. We know we love each other and tell each other so. We have no need to prove it beyond that. The kids other grandma handed my mother's and my presents to the kids first, they each got one fairly nice gift from the both of us. Then disappeared to her car and brought in tons of gifts for the kids. Not bad for the kids, they were exited. However, after they opened the gifts she asked them and I quote, "Now whose your favorite grandma?" Those poor kids were stunned and my SIL quickly changed the subject. My mother being the graceful woman she is just went on without saying a word. But alone today she did tell me that it hurt her feelings. The other grandma has also been known to make the babies cry by, when my mom is holding one of them she will take their pacifier or bottle and then take the baby and say, "did that mean old woman bother you?" Nice real nice. I may be a single mom to be but at least I know my kids won't have to go through that crap.
Anyways the kids were great, the food was delicious and now I'm hungover:)
AF has been here for over 16 days!!!! What the freakin hell?? I will call the Dr. tomorrow to see what's up but my insurance at the new job won't start until the 1st. I don't know why this would be happening other than the stress of the last couple of months. My dr. had initially said that she thinks I may have had an early miscarriage the last TTC cycle so maybe my body is trying to work things out. This has me worried right now. Just trying to look forward to the rest of the week and relaxing on my time off.
Hope everyone had a great holiday!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

2007-12-24T14:52:00.000-05:00

I just want to wish everyone a peaceful and loving Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, Yule or even just Dec.25th. This has been a very trying and surprising year for me. I have discovered that when I really want something I will stop at nothing to get it. I have also discovered that I have more love in me and that it is selfish to keep it all inside. My vow this year is to love deeper than I every imagined. My baby will come to me this year and next Christmas will be even more joyus for us all as we prepare to give birth or are holding our precious miracles in our arms.

Wiped out!!

2007-12-18T20:45:00.000-05:00

Today was my second day on my new job. Good news is everyone is super nice and this office does not believe in the hierarchy. Titles are not used and everyone's office door is open. I went to lunch with both directors of financial aid today. A little awkward but nice. This is a highly respected, national university with a great history of community service so I am proud to work there.
My former job just screwed me out of my last paycheck. They sent my last paycheck and it only showed 3days of work instead of two weeks so the rest of my Christmas shopping will be brief:( Of course there is nothing I can do now that they show me as "terminated". I resigned I was not terminated. I am so pissed, I worked so hard for them and now they treat me like this. If I did not fear being sued I would tell everyone what insurance company this is and tell you not to spend your money there. Truth is you can get cheaper rates elsewhere anyways.
Oh well, I guess this tells me I did make the right choice by leaving.
The univeristy will be giving me my first paycheck this Friday so it shouldn't be too tight financialy. Bad news is I have to wait for my tax refund to do my IUI so unless the money fairy comes by, I may have to hold off till Feb or March.

Winter Wonderland!!!

2007-12-15T22:15:00.000-05:00

We are smack dab in the middle of a snow storm. It is gorgeous. I live on a somewhat main road as the other main road that leads to the mall is closed right now and the cars going by are sliding like crazy. I hope they wise up and slow down.
Jimmy and Michele just dropped by with my neice Mekah to give us a neat Florida fruit basket and the new family photos. They felt like going for a drive to see the lights and enjoy the snowfall. Have I said lately just how much I love my family? Mimi is three yrs old and the most beautiful baby in the world. But then again I say that about my other neices Jazmin and Anika as well. I am so proud of Jaz. She won a photography contest at the county level, got first place in the talent competion(dancing) at 4-h this summer and got her very first job at Glamor shots. She is such a beauty. A dancer, singer, gifted photog, animal lover and still manages to keep her g.p.a. at a 3.99. All at only 16 yrs old. I hope like mad that she will not throw it away for a man like I did at that age. Oh well live and learn.
It is this time of year that I like to reflect on the past year and see what I can learn from it and what I need to let go. The most important thing is my efforts to concieve my baby. I have learned so much about my body and spirit. I have also learned that I need to take care of this body I have been given. The back injury and surgery knocked me out and caused a domino effect in my body. I must lose this weight or I risk another herniated disk.
I need to let go of the past hurts if am to move on in a more postive way. Like most women I know I am a survivor of sexual abuse. I thought that I had moved past it a long time ago. However, I don't think I really have. Sometimes things will happen and the memories will come rushing back. I was refered to a male Dr. for the IUI and I panicked for a moment about the thought of him touching me. This is the reason I only see female M.D.'s. I also think this is a reason why I am so guarded in my relationships with men. I would love to hear how other women have overcome this.
WOW where did all that come from? I guess when I have time to think I can really let it out. LOL!!

Slow day

2007-12-14T22:39:00.000-05:00

I haven't really had any length of time off in a while. I did have a weeks vacay in July but that was during my first TWW and when AF came it was all I could do to keep it together. It feels good to putter around the house and get everything ready for the holiday. I do find that I am eating the crappiest things. I try to eat healthy 90% of the time but this week it's been all chips, dip, pop and cookies. Let me tell you my body is telling me to cut it out. I am trying to lost 10lbs. before the IUI next month and I just keep gaining??!! I am not exercising and that usually will help me lose the weight without too much calorie cutting. Also, the stress of the "job from hell" over the past two years has really taken a toll on my body. I have gained 60lbs:( I have herniated discs (had surgery last Feb and now feel ok) and my skin is horrible (I look like a 16yr old boy). Getting the new job at ND was the best thing that could have happend. It is high time to take care of myself and create a healthy and calm body for my baby dot to implant.
We (me and mom) are going to Jimmy and Michele's (bro and sil) house for Christmas Eve this year. Usually I host Christmas Eve and then Christmas day is spent at home for all of us. This year with a new baby, hauling six kids over here is too much so Chele is cooking and we are having a formal dinner there. I am really looking forward to it. My gorgeous SIL is the best gourmet cook and she has promised me prime rib and champagne. YAY!!! I all have to do is bring my gifts, dress up and show up!!
By the way I can't wait for the new "Sex And The City" movie to come out in May. That was my most favorite show ever. I have missed the clothes, men and glamour sooo much. I want to know if Carrie and Big get married, does Charlotte finally get her baby, do Miranda and Steve have another baby, does Samantha finally settle down with Smith? I need a little of that here in my Midwestern town. I just may have to buy a new pair of shoes just to go see it. Then again I will be preggie (hope is good) and will need "comfortable shoes" aka no high heels.

Oh how we love the drama

2007-12-13T15:46:00.000-05:00

More dramatics on the NW boards when I checked in this morning. Some hoo ha over someone possibly using two different screen names. Allegedly one poster took items from another without paying and now is having some family and financial troubles and my be using a different screen name to post again. Instead of being compassionate of this persons hardships there are some self important, high and mighties who themselves use different screen names to do some detective work and try to expose the poster by comparing use of caps and puncuation. Well "friend" I think you may have exposed yourself in the process. The reason I am bringing this up is that this is really not so important that we need to again start more drama over it. If you don't care for someone do you really spend so much time on them or do you let them go?
I myself would rather share info pertaining to TTC and the struggles we all endure during it. This is a season and time of year for clearing out closets both literaly and figuratively. It is OK to let some things pass without dwelling negatively on them.
Anyways, enough of my bitching.
I went to the university today and picked up my id card and parking pass. My picture on my id looks like I am completley colorless. I don't know what it is about those cameras but they take the most unflattering photos. I think the DMV uses the same equipment :)
Since I am taking a few days off before starting the new job, I slept in. I felt sooooo good and wierd at the same time.
I am holding off on finishing my Christamas shopping until next weekend. Yes, I love the last minute stuff. I find it exiting and festive I really don't stress out about it.
Until next time, BABYDUST to all!!!

Boy was that fun!!

2007-12-12T19:47:00.000-05:00

Today was my last day on the nightmare job. It was so liberating to walk out of there and know that I will never have to go back to work there. I can't wait to start my new job this Monday. I go tomorrow to get my badge and parking pass. The best part is after my first week I will have the entire week of Christmas off until Jan2nd. Such fun such fun.
And just to nail the coffin shut on the old job, as I was clearing my desk out and getting ready to go, this old crone comes up to me and says, "good luck with having a turkey baster baby and all" and laughs her a#s off. I only told one supposedly good friend just how I am trying to get preggie. Apparently she told the nastiest bi#ch on earth. It only made me even more sure of my decision to move on.

It's about time

2007-12-10T21:52:00.000-05:00

Midwest finally got all of my registration paperwork and I was able to order the long profiles on my top three choices. Tammy you were right, they are really sweet and easy to deal with there. I still don't know that the problem was but I think it had something to do with my local post office.
AF came on time this month with a "normal" 28 day cycle. Last cycle must have been a fluke. I am getting really exited about trying again with the Dr. assisted IUI. The bad news is, I now work for a Catholic university and they do not cover some medications due to religious beliefs so I will have to foot the bill for some of it. Clomid is now at Wal-Mart for 9$ though they still don't sell sperm for half price :)
It was about this time last year that I began the process to use anonymous donor sperm to get preggie. When I think back I realize how much I didn't know. I thank the universe for sending me the NW message boards and all my ladies who answered my every question with dignity and respect. Twondra, Gigglebaby, Wantbaby, Jpheonix, Cindyf, Friendamy and everyone else. I love you guys so much. The support and wisdom means so much to me. I can't wait to share our pregnancies, birth stories and baby pictures with each other.

Things......

2007-12-07T20:19:00.000-05:00

are definitely looking up these days!!
Everything went well with the hair drug test. (of course) If you have ever had one you will know that even if you don't do drugs you will leave the clinic looking as if someone who does do drugs just cut your hair:) !!! I recently cut about 15 inches off my hair and now have a really nice short do. Well they took three samples from three different places about the size of a shoelace tip and they cut very close to the scalp. So now if you are looking at the back of my head it looks as if my stylist hiccuped, LOL.
I start my new job the 17th and my last day at the current job is this next wednesday. It was a happy moment when I turned in my resignation.
On the TTC front the new sperm bank STILL has not gotten my paperwork. I have mailed twice and faxed once. I am going to give it one more go and mail it certified. I bothers me that somewhere out there floating around is all my personal info including my ss# and bank info. What the H happend to my papers? Have they been sucked into the postal vortex??
I started my Christmas shopping today and have my three nieces and my mom done.
My mom is a collector of antique teapots and tea sets. I found two vintage, victorian tea sets on ebay. This lady is going to scream. She has been looking for these pots for years. Two of my nieces and my three nephews are getting gift cards to their favorite stores. For Jazmin(16) Old Navy, Mekah (3) Barnes and Noble, Donovan(15) and Dalton(12) Dick's Sporting goods and Aren(13) Machielski's art store. The baby Anika is only 4mos so she is getting a"busy ball popper". My Brother and SIL are getting a Visa gift card and a voucher for a free night of babysitting so they can go on a date. I think that should make them all happy. Oh and for me? Sperm.... lots of sperm. HA!!

I GOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-11-29T18:19:00.001-05:00

I start my new job Dec. 17th. I go take my hair drug test tomorrow morning. I am so exited.
This marks the begining of a fresh start for me. It's about time something good happend!!

Thank you

2007-11-25T20:18:00.000-05:00

To all who had kind words for me this week. I am feeling much better. I know that letting her go was the most loving thing I could have done. She was treated with love and respect by the vet and that also helped me to make the decision. I guess I just didn't realize how hard this would be.
Thanksgiving was wonderful. The dinner turned out well and having all six of my nieces and nephews was such good medicine for me. My beautiful sister in law and I had some time to talk about my TTC. It feels so good to be able to be open and honest about this. The support from the boards and my family has made all the difference.
Apart from Thanksgiving the entire week has been stressful. From losing Sasha to work stuff. My third interview is this Wed. and I fully expect to be posting good news. I bought a new power outfit to wear just to boost my confident and project an image of professionalism. Send me all the positive vibes you can spare!!!

My Sasha is gone

2007-11-21T21:27:00.000-05:00

I am in so much emotional pain right now it hurts to breathe. I had to euthanize my 15 yr old kitty this morning. She was so sick and had lost control of her bladder and bowels. There was nothing I could do for her. My mom took her in and stayed with her until she passed, I could not handle it. Mom said she didn't know what happend and was in no pain. I miss her so much. She was such a loving kitty.

Well

2007-11-20T19:43:00.000-05:00

It's down to me and one other person for the job. I go back next wednesday the 28th for a 3rd and final interview. My former boss emailed me today to let me know that she gave me a glowing interview. I guess I should be flattered that out of 58 applicants I am in the top two. I just really want out of my current job so bad. I am so tired of being treated like a mindless imbecile. I am college educated, self sufficient, hard worker. I don't need to be constantly monitored and "coached" on how to display the "proper company behavior". Whatever. Well wish me luck next week, I am really working hard to get this job and damnit I deserve it!!!
Tonight and tomorrow after work I will be getting the house ready for Thanksgiving. There is not that much to do but I just need to make sure the breakables are out of reach of the babies and the bathroom has enought TP and soap. You know the usual company's coming over stuff. Well, I wish everyone a very HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!! Whatever your plans just take the time to remember what good things you have been given.

FUzzy

2007-11-18T22:31:00.001-05:00

That's how I feel right now and not in a good way. I think I may be coming down with something. Yesterday at work was torture and not just for the obvious reason that I hate my damn job. I can't concentrate and I stumble over my workds. LOL!!
The interview with ND on Friday was spectacular. It could not have been more perfect. I will be surprised if I don't get the job. If I get it then I will have Christmas week off. I have not had a holiday week off since I started this crap job. Both people I interviewed with were so personable and nice. It felt like I was having a conversation with my friends over a cup of coffee. I have never had an interview go so smoothly. I hope that is a good omen. They said that they will call tomorrow or Tuesday at the latest with the word on whether I got it or not and I will start the first week of December. Please pray for me, or send my your positive thoughts.
AF is still here, 8 days later. I have never had a period last this long. But then again until I began TTC my cycles were perfect. My amazing and beautiful SIL is being so supportive about all of this. I can't believe I thought she would'nt be. I'm thinking of asking her to come with me for the IUI. My mom will be there and I would love to have them both there to hold each hand.
I bought my turkey for Thanksgiving. 18.5 lbs. I hope it will be big enough :) Yes I cook, and my family comes to my house every year. My little house just bursts at the seams with my mom, brother and SIL and their six kids.
Well, here's to a great week. BABYDUST to all in the TWW right now.

The verdict is in

2007-11-15T18:27:00.000-05:00

And the results are not surprising. My progesterone is very low and I ovulate irregularly. The nurse was very optimistic about my chances though. My first cycle in January I will start clomid and then follow up with ultrasounds and a trigger shot. My OB won't be doing the IUI but she has put me in touch with her partner who will do it. I love my Dr. so much!! She is the first OB who has taken the time to listen to me and run the tests I needed. I'm glad I know now instead of the constant worrying and second guessing myself.
The sperm bank lost my registration papers again! I mailed them for the 3rd time today. I hope they make it this time. I had wanted to order the long profiles on my top 4 choices and take the month of December to pick one.
My interview in tomorrow morning. I am not nervous, just ready. I have been worried about how the change in jobs will affect my finances but I know that it will all work out. I can't let that affect my life all the time. I am trying to think positive and stay focused on bringing my baby in to the world in a loving and calm body.
Well, wish me luck and I will let you know the outcome!!! BABYDUST!!!!!!

Cycle day 2?

2007-11-12T21:02:00.000-05:00

AF showed up last night. Full force. I guess after a 53 day cycle she was ready to show.
I am hoping this puts me back on track with my regular cycles.
I got a 2nd interview at ND this Friday. Wish me luck. I really need to change jobs. I have been unhappy with my current job for some time now and I know that it is affecting my TTC efforts.
Tomorrow is the lab tests. I will post to let you all know how that went. Babydust to all!!!!

What a difference

2007-11-11T17:31:00.000-05:00

a quiet weekend and a hot bubblebath makes. I feel so much better. I slept for 12 hours last night and have just been taking it easy. I did spot a little last night. I don't know what is going on with that but it has stopped. Never in my life have I had a late period and now all of the sudden my cycles are whacked. My mom says it's a case of the boiling pot. You know "a watched pot never boils". I think she may be right. The stress of the past month has gotten to me. Normally I am able to shrug off anything but TTC is another story. Well, here's to a great week. I will keep you all posted on my test results.

Peace at last

2007-11-10T17:13:00.000-05:00

I had my interview with ND yesterday morning. It went very well and I will know by this Tues. if I got a 2nd interview. I am really hoping I got the job, but I have made peace with the fact that I may need to stay with my current company for a while. I went to the farmers market this morning with Mom. We had so much fun and found some great bargins. I really needed to get out for a while. All the stress over job, money, and TTC have taken a toll on my nerves.
On the TTC front my progesterone and TSH tests are this Tues. I am slightly nervous about the results but once we know then we can do something about it. I keep having dreams that I get my BFP in Jan with the first IUI. I know that it is always a 20% chance of BFP but I will aways stay positive. I believe Tammy and Marlana when they say that I will be a mommy.

Frustrated

2007-11-06T19:21:00.000-05:00

So I call my new sperm bank yesterday to see if my papers got there ok and order the long profiles on my top choices.Well, they lost them!! I have to fill them out again and pay my Dr. 15$ to sign them and start all over. Add to the fact that work is crappy and my interview at ND is on Friday. Mom is having some minor outpaitent surgery next week and my paycheck is gone before I get it this Fri. AHHHH! Ok, now that I got that out of my system LOL!!

Finally good news

2007-11-04T19:44:00.000-05:00

I was called for an interview at Notre Dame.YAYYY!!! I am so ready for a job that I don't hate going to everyday. I started out loving my current job and it does pay well. However, the stress, scheduling and people make it an unpleasant place to spend my days. I have been sending my resume to ND for a few months. I pray that the interview goes well and I can turn in my resignation by the end of the this month. I miss being around open minded people that don't immediatly turn their nose up at differences.
I think that a change of jobs will help in the TTC process as the stress is a major concern as well as scheduling. My current job is very strict about attendance and does not allow make up time. If you miss work you have to use vacation time and you are given "points" that count against you. Everything is by the book. No special circumstances allowed. I remember when I first started working there one of the ladies baby died of SIDS. Awful and heartbreaking enough but they made her bring in a death certificate before they would let her take time off. Despicable.
Well, enough ranting about that.
Heres to a great week to all!!! Babydust to all my ladies in the TTC journey!!

Trying not to let worry creep in

2007-11-01T21:22:00.000-04:00

I keep thinking about the test results and I can't help but worry. According to my chart I did not ovulate last cycle and I only had a couple of days of light bleeding. I know the annovulatory cycles are ok once in a while. It is my worst nightmare to be infertile and never have a child of my own. I know that is not likely but when something unexpected happens I think it is human nature that we try to prepare ourselves for the worst. Thank you to all who support me and give me the words of encouragement that I need. And that means you Tammy!! I am sending you lots of babydust!!

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/ttc/index.php