Warm Wishes!!

I would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Very Happy New Year. I appreciate every one of you and the support you have given me over the past year. It is so hard to belive this year is almost over already. I have had good times and bad times this year as life goes on.
The bad times were tempered by the love and affection of my friends and family and the good times were celebrated as well.
I am officially announcing that I am going to become a foster mother. I will be training begining Jan. 21st and will taking newborn to 5 yrs old. I do hope this leads to adoption and I will be continuing to TTC on my own as well when the time is right, probably March or April.
All in all good things are coming my way. I wish for a house full of kids this Christmas, maybe St. Nick will make my wish come true by next year!!

Trying too hard

I am trying too damn hard to get into a decent Christmas mood. I am not feeling it (yet) this year. Between money, baby depression and stuff in general I am downright blue. I know there are people who are worse off than myself but damnit I feel bad. There I said it. We have a young lady here in my office who is due to give birth any moment and I feel bad for feeling bad about being jealous of her. I know my time is coming but right now all I can think about is, this time last year I was sure I would have had my baby by now.
This past saturday night I went to my office Christmas pary at a local country club. The food, drinks and music were wonderful so that was a nice break and distraction from the everyday.
Thanksgiving was at my house and it was nice to have everyone there. Anika and Mekah were the "hostesses" and were making sure everyone had drinks and plenty of food. They are so cute, I am such a lucky aunt Roxy to have SIX wonderful kids who love me so much. Donovan is on the varsity wrestling team this year and is doing great. Jazmin is heading into her last semester as a high school student and we are getting her ready for college life. Aren is a wonderful musician and artist and has a young man he is interested in dating, my brother stands at the back door and watches them so carefully when they have their little get togethers, as he has done for all of this children when they begin dating. So funny to watch! Dalton is a little heartbreaker, he is so handsome and has the cutest dimples and bright green eyes. It seems like everytime I see my nieces and nephews, they get bigger and more grown up.
Mom is doing ok. The lupus is taking it's toll as it often does in the colder months, but she is so strong and her attitude is so inspiring. She never stops encouraging me to keep trying for my baby.
Well, that is the latest quick and dirty update, I know I haven't been blogging as much as I should or commenting on others blogs but I do read them as much as I can and I keep all of you in my prayers. Thanks to all whose kind words have helped me with regards to my last blog entry.

Remembering

I had a miscarriage, two of them actually, last year. It has taken me this long to really admit it and talk about it. It hurts like hell and is unimaginable in terms of the emotional pain. My mom and I had a little ceremony at my grandparent's grave. I wrote a letter to my babies and buried it next to their headstone. I don't know the sex of the babies, I was barely six weeks along with both of them but I have been thinking about naming them. Gabriel and Ellis. I need some kind of closure on this as I have been so scared to try again. I feel like when I do finaly get pregnant I will need to walk on eggshells until it is "safe" to be happy about it. I would appreciate any input on this from people who have gone through this. Thanks.

No that is not me

The picture I have posted with my profile is not me. That is my shero, Frida Kahlo. She and I look very much alike with the exception of my padded flesh. I don't have a real picture posted of myself because 1. I don't know how and 2. I still use film, I don't even have digital camera.
Frida's strength and grit are a true testament to what a woman and endure and survive. Like me, her sexuality was fluid and she was not afraid to live and love on her own terms.

Steady as she goes

Things are pretty stable at the moment, that is really saying something. It is nice to have peace and quiet for once with no big drama happening. I still have my wishlist ie: money, instant weight loss, instant pregnancy etc. BUUTTT things are ok for now. I am so looking forward to have some time off for the holidays, that can't come soon enough.
My heart goes out to Tammy and Mark. Just know that I understand and I love you guys.

YES WE CAN!!!!!!

My fellow AmeriCANS, real change is on the way. I am so uber exited it is not even funny. I have been raised a liberal, die hard Democrat so this is fun for me anyways. However, my state Indiana has voted Democrat for the first time since LBJ!! We have spoken!! Do you think I have used enough exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back in the saddle again baby

I am back after a break from baby talk and baby thought. I now have to wait AGAIN to TTC until Feb or Mar. This is due mostly from financial concerns but also about how my weight is affecting my chances. I have to lose weight or has less of a chance to work in my favor. SOOOOO, that is what I am doing. Taking the time to eat healthy and lose weight and also to get my money in order. I took a big hit when I had an emergency and now I am playing catch up and gearing up for the holiday gift buying rush.
Work is going well, we have fun and things are good. Having a sup who is younger does have it's benefits. I just wish I got paid more, but what else is new. We do have preggo lady here and watching her belly pass by me everyday is damn hard. I just have to keep believeing that my time will come.
Family is good. The kids are growing by leaps and bounds and getting mouthier by the day. I love them so much, they keep me going sometimes when I would rather give up.