Remembering

I had a miscarriage, two of them actually, last year. It has taken me this long to really admit it and talk about it. It hurts like hell and is unimaginable in terms of the emotional pain. My mom and I had a little ceremony at my grandparent's grave. I wrote a letter to my babies and buried it next to their headstone. I don't know the sex of the babies, I was barely six weeks along with both of them but I have been thinking about naming them. Gabriel and Ellis. I need some kind of closure on this as I have been so scared to try again. I feel like when I do finaly get pregnant I will need to walk on eggshells until it is "safe" to be happy about it. I would appreciate any input on this from people who have gone through this. Thanks.

No that is not me

The picture I have posted with my profile is not me. That is my shero, Frida Kahlo. She and I look very much alike with the exception of my padded flesh. I don't have a real picture posted of myself because 1. I don't know how and 2. I still use film, I don't even have digital camera.
Frida's strength and grit are a true testament to what a woman and endure and survive. Like me, her sexuality was fluid and she was not afraid to live and love on her own terms.

Steady as she goes

Things are pretty stable at the moment, that is really saying something. It is nice to have peace and quiet for once with no big drama happening. I still have my wishlist ie: money, instant weight loss, instant pregnancy etc. BUUTTT things are ok for now. I am so looking forward to have some time off for the holidays, that can't come soon enough.
My heart goes out to Tammy and Mark. Just know that I understand and I love you guys.

YES WE CAN!!!!!!

My fellow AmeriCANS, real change is on the way. I am so uber exited it is not even funny. I have been raised a liberal, die hard Democrat so this is fun for me anyways. However, my state Indiana has voted Democrat for the first time since LBJ!! We have spoken!! Do you think I have used enough exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back in the saddle again baby

I am back after a break from baby talk and baby thought. I now have to wait AGAIN to TTC until Feb or Mar. This is due mostly from financial concerns but also about how my weight is affecting my chances. I have to lose weight or has less of a chance to work in my favor. SOOOOO, that is what I am doing. Taking the time to eat healthy and lose weight and also to get my money in order. I took a big hit when I had an emergency and now I am playing catch up and gearing up for the holiday gift buying rush.
Work is going well, we have fun and things are good. Having a sup who is younger does have it's benefits. I just wish I got paid more, but what else is new. We do have preggo lady here and watching her belly pass by me everyday is damn hard. I just have to keep believeing that my time will come.
Family is good. The kids are growing by leaps and bounds and getting mouthier by the day. I love them so much, they keep me going sometimes when I would rather give up.

driving in neutral

Everything is going well lately kind in neutral on long stretch of highway where you can just listen to the radio and coast. TTC is on hold yet again as I need to get my health and finances in good or better condition before I do down that road again. I am welcoming the break in order to regroup and chart. I am back on Weight Watchers and am doing my best to make it work for me and by hectic lifestyle. I am also spending a lot of time with family which is my main stress reliever.
I would like to give a shout out to my friend TWONDRA!!!!! I will be praying for you and Mark and your little ones as you go through IVF this month.
My friend Anna is in long term care but is not expected to make it past another two weeks or so. She is brain dead so her spirit is gone but her body is hanging on. I have said goodbye and let her go. And I know that is exactly what she would have wanted.

Thank You Rajen!

If you look at the picture to the right you will see the "pieces of me" mosiac that I created at the suggestion of one of my favorite bloggers Rajen Creation. Here are her instructions with my answers to the questions:
Here’s the meme:If you want to play too, type your answer to each of the questions below into a Flickr search. Using only the first page, choose your favorite image, then copy and paste each of the URL’s into the mosaic maker (3 columns, 4 rows) - I regularly use this one. If you decide to play, leave a comment so I can have a peek.
The questions:
1. What is your first name? Roxann
2. What is your favorite food? Pasta
3. What high school did you attend? Mishawaka
4. What is your favorite color? Red
5. Who is your celebrity crush? Wentworth Miller
6. Favorite drink? Cappuccino
7. Dream vacation? New York City
8. Favorite dessert? Chocolate Ice Cream
9. What do you want to be when you grow up? Clothing designer
10. What do you love most in life? Being loved
11. One word to describe you. Tenacious
12. Your Flickr name. Roxie
This was fun and very interesting to look at when all put together.