This is my place to share my journey to becoming a mother and anything else that is going on in my life. Welcome!!


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Age 33. Single, Native American hot chick (hence the blog title). I am a left wing, liberal, treehugging Democrat. I have made the choice to become a single mother and am doing so as a foster parent. I will go head on to put the most at risk children first. This is my place to share my journey. I hold nothing back, whether it be joy or heartbreak.

Monday, December 31, 2007


As I sit here only one hour before the new year begins I pray for each and every one of my family member, friends, co workers and all of the ladies I have met on the NW TTC board that this is the year that our dreams come true.
I read over my blog posts for the past year and detected an air of negatvity. True that some craptacular things have happened, however some very wonderful things have taken place as well.
My niece Anika was born on July 27th
I started TTC and am grateful to catch the issues before I tried in vain for many months
I left a toxic job and relationships and moved on to a spectacular job at a top university where my skills are appreciated and I can truly make a difference
I have had a surgery that repaired my back and I no longer live in fear of being bedridden
I have made progress financially, even while taking a paycut
I could go on and on with the beautiful little blessings that have taught me so much this year. There has been some major healing taking place very recently and I can tell that it will only continue to get better and better.
And to my little one who is waiting to come to earth and fill my arms. Baby, mommy is ready for you. I promise I will make sure my body is healthy enough to be sure you are comfortable in my belly and will grow strong. Grandma, Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Michele, your cousins Jazmin, Donovan, Aren, Dalton, Mekah and Anika are all so exited to greet you into our family. Just be paitent and stay with Jesus until he decides that mommy's body is ready. I love you my little angel.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Moving forward while looking back

This time of year for me is a time to look back and learn from my experiences while gearing up to move forward with positive changes. I do make "resolutions" each new year but I prefer to just simply call them goals. My goals this year are 1. get pregnant! Duh 2. eat healthy 95% of the time and keep up with the excercise 3. pay off all bad debt like my car and credit cards. This all sounds like the standard goals that I set for myself last year. The difference is this year I feel a different sense of urgency about them. My body is telling me that she does not like being this fat and does not like the stress at all. When I was in my 20's I always felt like I had more time to turn around bad habits. Now I feel like it's now or never. My heart and home are ready for my baby but my body is too out of whack to consider it. I hate to think about it but the best thing may be to put of the IUI just a couple more months to get my body in better shape. Financially it would not hurt to wait and get some things taken care of first. I haven't made the decision yet but it is weighing heavily on my heart today. I just want my baby so badly but I don't want to be an unhealthy mom in any way.
Speaking of TTC, AF is still here 21 days later. What is happening? Dr. says that I may need a D&C. This kind of freaks me out. She also says that my weight may be a factor in the hormonal imbalance. I had a back injury and surgery last Feb. and have gained ALOT of weight since then. I have always been a curvy, bodacious mama :) but this is ridiculous. I hate strict diets but have heard good things about Weight Watchers and the "best life diet". If anyone has any ideas let me know.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Peace and Quiet

Christmas eve dinner with the family at my brother's house was nice, but interesting. My SIL side of the family is very competitive with the kids by attempting to purchase their love. My side of the family, not so much. We know we love each other and tell each other so. We have no need to prove it beyond that. The kids other grandma handed my mother's and my presents to the kids first, they each got one fairly nice gift from the both of us. Then disappeared to her car and brought in tons of gifts for the kids. Not bad for the kids, they were exited. However, after they opened the gifts she asked them and I quote, "Now whose your favorite grandma?" Those poor kids were stunned and my SIL quickly changed the subject. My mother being the graceful woman she is just went on without saying a word. But alone today she did tell me that it hurt her feelings. The other grandma has also been known to make the babies cry by, when my mom is holding one of them she will take their pacifier or bottle and then take the baby and say, "did that mean old woman bother you?" Nice real nice. I may be a single mom to be but at least I know my kids won't have to go through that crap.
Anyways the kids were great, the food was delicious and now I'm hungover:)
AF has been here for over 16 days!!!! What the freakin hell?? I will call the Dr. tomorrow to see what's up but my insurance at the new job won't start until the 1st. I don't know why this would be happening other than the stress of the last couple of months. My dr. had initially said that she thinks I may have had an early miscarriage the last TTC cycle so maybe my body is trying to work things out. This has me worried right now. Just trying to look forward to the rest of the week and relaxing on my time off.
Hope everyone had a great holiday!!

Monday, December 24, 2007


I just want to wish everyone a peaceful and loving Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, Yule or even just Dec.25th. This has been a very trying and surprising year for me. I have discovered that when I really want something I will stop at nothing to get it. I have also discovered that I have more love in me and that it is selfish to keep it all inside. My vow this year is to love deeper than I every imagined. My baby will come to me this year and next Christmas will be even more joyus for us all as we prepare to give birth or are holding our precious miracles in our arms.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Wiped out!!

Today was my second day on my new job. Good news is everyone is super nice and this office does not believe in the hierarchy. Titles are not used and everyone's office door is open. I went to lunch with both directors of financial aid today. A little awkward but nice. This is a highly respected, national university with a great history of community service so I am proud to work there.
My former job just screwed me out of my last paycheck. They sent my last paycheck and it only showed 3days of work instead of two weeks so the rest of my Christmas shopping will be brief:( Of course there is nothing I can do now that they show me as "terminated". I resigned I was not terminated. I am so pissed, I worked so hard for them and now they treat me like this. If I did not fear being sued I would tell everyone what insurance company this is and tell you not to spend your money there. Truth is you can get cheaper rates elsewhere anyways.
Oh well, I guess this tells me I did make the right choice by leaving.
The univeristy will be giving me my first paycheck this Friday so it shouldn't be too tight financialy. Bad news is I have to wait for my tax refund to do my IUI so unless the money fairy comes by, I may have to hold off till Feb or March.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Winter Wonderland!!!

We are smack dab in the middle of a snow storm. It is gorgeous. I live on a somewhat main road as the other main road that leads to the mall is closed right now and the cars going by are sliding like crazy. I hope they wise up and slow down.
Jimmy and Michele just dropped by with my neice Mekah to give us a neat Florida fruit basket and the new family photos. They felt like going for a drive to see the lights and enjoy the snowfall. Have I said lately just how much I love my family? Mimi is three yrs old and the most beautiful baby in the world. But then again I say that about my other neices Jazmin and Anika as well. I am so proud of Jaz. She won a photography contest at the county level, got first place in the talent competion(dancing) at 4-h this summer and got her very first job at Glamor shots. She is such a beauty. A dancer, singer, gifted photog, animal lover and still manages to keep her g.p.a. at a 3.99. All at only 16 yrs old. I hope like mad that she will not throw it away for a man like I did at that age. Oh well live and learn.
It is this time of year that I like to reflect on the past year and see what I can learn from it and what I need to let go. The most important thing is my efforts to concieve my baby. I have learned so much about my body and spirit. I have also learned that I need to take care of this body I have been given. The back injury and surgery knocked me out and caused a domino effect in my body. I must lose this weight or I risk another herniated disk.
I need to let go of the past hurts if am to move on in a more postive way. Like most women I know I am a survivor of sexual abuse. I thought that I had moved past it a long time ago. However, I don't think I really have. Sometimes things will happen and the memories will come rushing back. I was refered to a male Dr. for the IUI and I panicked for a moment about the thought of him touching me. This is the reason I only see female M.D.'s. I also think this is a reason why I am so guarded in my relationships with men. I would love to hear how other women have overcome this.
WOW where did all that come from? I guess when I have time to think I can really let it out. LOL!!

Friday, December 14, 2007

Slow day

I haven't really had any length of time off in a while. I did have a weeks vacay in July but that was during my first TWW and when AF came it was all I could do to keep it together. It feels good to putter around the house and get everything ready for the holiday. I do find that I am eating the crappiest things. I try to eat healthy 90% of the time but this week it's been all chips, dip, pop and cookies. Let me tell you my body is telling me to cut it out. I am trying to lost 10lbs. before the IUI next month and I just keep gaining??!! I am not exercising and that usually will help me lose the weight without too much calorie cutting. Also, the stress of the "job from hell" over the past two years has really taken a toll on my body. I have gained 60lbs:( I have herniated discs (had surgery last Feb and now feel ok) and my skin is horrible (I look like a 16yr old boy). Getting the new job at ND was the best thing that could have happend. It is high time to take care of myself and create a healthy and calm body for my baby dot to implant.
We (me and mom) are going to Jimmy and Michele's (bro and sil) house for Christmas Eve this year. Usually I host Christmas Eve and then Christmas day is spent at home for all of us. This year with a new baby, hauling six kids over here is too much so Chele is cooking and we are having a formal dinner there. I am really looking forward to it. My gorgeous SIL is the best gourmet cook and she has promised me prime rib and champagne. YAY!!! I all have to do is bring my gifts, dress up and show up!!
By the way I can't wait for the new "Sex And The City" movie to come out in May. That was my most favorite show ever. I have missed the clothes, men and glamour sooo much. I want to know if Carrie and Big get married, does Charlotte finally get her baby, do Miranda and Steve have another baby, does Samantha finally settle down with Smith? I need a little of that here in my Midwestern town. I just may have to buy a new pair of shoes just to go see it. Then again I will be preggie (hope is good) and will need "comfortable shoes" aka no high heels.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Oh how we love the drama

More dramatics on the NW boards when I checked in this morning. Some hoo ha over someone possibly using two different screen names. Allegedly one poster took items from another without paying and now is having some family and financial troubles and my be using a different screen name to post again. Instead of being compassionate of this persons hardships there are some self important, high and mighties who themselves use different screen names to do some detective work and try to expose the poster by comparing use of caps and puncuation. Well "friend" I think you may have exposed yourself in the process. The reason I am bringing this up is that this is really not so important that we need to again start more drama over it. If you don't care for someone do you really spend so much time on them or do you let them go?
I myself would rather share info pertaining to TTC and the struggles we all endure during it. This is a season and time of year for clearing out closets both literaly and figuratively. It is OK to let some things pass without dwelling negatively on them.
Anyways, enough of my bitching.
I went to the university today and picked up my id card and parking pass. My picture on my id looks like I am completley colorless. I don't know what it is about those cameras but they take the most unflattering photos. I think the DMV uses the same equipment :)
Since I am taking a few days off before starting the new job, I slept in. I felt sooooo good and wierd at the same time.
I am holding off on finishing my Christamas shopping until next weekend. Yes, I love the last minute stuff. I find it exiting and festive I really don't stress out about it.
Until next time, BABYDUST to all!!!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Boy was that fun!!

Today was my last day on the nightmare job. It was so liberating to walk out of there and know that I will never have to go back to work there. I can't wait to start my new job this Monday. I go tomorrow to get my badge and parking pass. The best part is after my first week I will have the entire week of Christmas off until Jan2nd. Such fun such fun.
And just to nail the coffin shut on the old job, as I was clearing my desk out and getting ready to go, this old crone comes up to me and says, "good luck with having a turkey baster baby and all" and laughs her a#s off. I only told one supposedly good friend just how I am trying to get preggie. Apparently she told the nastiest bi#ch on earth. It only made me even more sure of my decision to move on.

Monday, December 10, 2007

It's about time

Midwest finally got all of my registration paperwork and I was able to order the long profiles on my top three choices. Tammy you were right, they are really sweet and easy to deal with there. I still don't know that the problem was but I think it had something to do with my local post office.
AF came on time this month with a "normal" 28 day cycle. Last cycle must have been a fluke. I am getting really exited about trying again with the Dr. assisted IUI. The bad news is, I now work for a Catholic university and they do not cover some medications due to religious beliefs so I will have to foot the bill for some of it. Clomid is now at Wal-Mart for 9$ though they still don't sell sperm for half price :)
It was about this time last year that I began the process to use anonymous donor sperm to get preggie. When I think back I realize how much I didn't know. I thank the universe for sending me the NW message boards and all my ladies who answered my every question with dignity and respect. Twondra, Gigglebaby, Wantbaby, Jpheonix, Cindyf, Friendamy and everyone else. I love you guys so much. The support and wisdom means so much to me. I can't wait to share our pregnancies, birth stories and baby pictures with each other.

Friday, December 7, 2007


are definitely looking up these days!!
Everything went well with the hair drug test. (of course) If you have ever had one you will know that even if you don't do drugs you will leave the clinic looking as if someone who does do drugs just cut your hair:) !!! I recently cut about 15 inches off my hair and now have a really nice short do. Well they took three samples from three different places about the size of a shoelace tip and they cut very close to the scalp. So now if you are looking at the back of my head it looks as if my stylist hiccuped, LOL.
I start my new job the 17th and my last day at the current job is this next wednesday. It was a happy moment when I turned in my resignation.
On the TTC front the new sperm bank STILL has not gotten my paperwork. I have mailed twice and faxed once. I am going to give it one more go and mail it certified. I bothers me that somewhere out there floating around is all my personal info including my ss# and bank info. What the H happend to my papers? Have they been sucked into the postal vortex??
I started my Christmas shopping today and have my three nieces and my mom done.
My mom is a collector of antique teapots and tea sets. I found two vintage, victorian tea sets on ebay. This lady is going to scream. She has been looking for these pots for years. Two of my nieces and my three nephews are getting gift cards to their favorite stores. For Jazmin(16) Old Navy, Mekah (3) Barnes and Noble, Donovan(15) and Dalton(12) Dick's Sporting goods and Aren(13) Machielski's art store. The baby Anika is only 4mos so she is getting a"busy ball popper". My Brother and SIL are getting a Visa gift card and a voucher for a free night of babysitting so they can go on a date. I think that should make them all happy. Oh and for me? Sperm.... lots of sperm. HA!!