Warm Wishes!!

I would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Very Happy New Year. I appreciate every one of you and the support you have given me over the past year. It is so hard to belive this year is almost over already. I have had good times and bad times this year as life goes on.
The bad times were tempered by the love and affection of my friends and family and the good times were celebrated as well.
I am officially announcing that I am going to become a foster mother. I will be training begining Jan. 21st and will taking newborn to 5 yrs old. I do hope this leads to adoption and I will be continuing to TTC on my own as well when the time is right, probably March or April.
All in all good things are coming my way. I wish for a house full of kids this Christmas, maybe St. Nick will make my wish come true by next year!!

Trying too hard

I am trying too damn hard to get into a decent Christmas mood. I am not feeling it (yet) this year. Between money, baby depression and stuff in general I am downright blue. I know there are people who are worse off than myself but damnit I feel bad. There I said it. We have a young lady here in my office who is due to give birth any moment and I feel bad for feeling bad about being jealous of her. I know my time is coming but right now all I can think about is, this time last year I was sure I would have had my baby by now.
This past saturday night I went to my office Christmas pary at a local country club. The food, drinks and music were wonderful so that was a nice break and distraction from the everyday.
Thanksgiving was at my house and it was nice to have everyone there. Anika and Mekah were the "hostesses" and were making sure everyone had drinks and plenty of food. They are so cute, I am such a lucky aunt Roxy to have SIX wonderful kids who love me so much. Donovan is on the varsity wrestling team this year and is doing great. Jazmin is heading into her last semester as a high school student and we are getting her ready for college life. Aren is a wonderful musician and artist and has a young man he is interested in dating, my brother stands at the back door and watches them so carefully when they have their little get togethers, as he has done for all of this children when they begin dating. So funny to watch! Dalton is a little heartbreaker, he is so handsome and has the cutest dimples and bright green eyes. It seems like everytime I see my nieces and nephews, they get bigger and more grown up.
Mom is doing ok. The lupus is taking it's toll as it often does in the colder months, but she is so strong and her attitude is so inspiring. She never stops encouraging me to keep trying for my baby.
Well, that is the latest quick and dirty update, I know I haven't been blogging as much as I should or commenting on others blogs but I do read them as much as I can and I keep all of you in my prayers. Thanks to all whose kind words have helped me with regards to my last blog entry.

Remembering

I had a miscarriage, two of them actually, last year. It has taken me this long to really admit it and talk about it. It hurts like hell and is unimaginable in terms of the emotional pain. My mom and I had a little ceremony at my grandparent's grave. I wrote a letter to my babies and buried it next to their headstone. I don't know the sex of the babies, I was barely six weeks along with both of them but I have been thinking about naming them. Gabriel and Ellis. I need some kind of closure on this as I have been so scared to try again. I feel like when I do finaly get pregnant I will need to walk on eggshells until it is "safe" to be happy about it. I would appreciate any input on this from people who have gone through this. Thanks.

No that is not me

The picture I have posted with my profile is not me. That is my shero, Frida Kahlo. She and I look very much alike with the exception of my padded flesh. I don't have a real picture posted of myself because 1. I don't know how and 2. I still use film, I don't even have digital camera.
Frida's strength and grit are a true testament to what a woman and endure and survive. Like me, her sexuality was fluid and she was not afraid to live and love on her own terms.

Steady as she goes

Things are pretty stable at the moment, that is really saying something. It is nice to have peace and quiet for once with no big drama happening. I still have my wishlist ie: money, instant weight loss, instant pregnancy etc. BUUTTT things are ok for now. I am so looking forward to have some time off for the holidays, that can't come soon enough.
My heart goes out to Tammy and Mark. Just know that I understand and I love you guys.

YES WE CAN!!!!!!

My fellow AmeriCANS, real change is on the way. I am so uber exited it is not even funny. I have been raised a liberal, die hard Democrat so this is fun for me anyways. However, my state Indiana has voted Democrat for the first time since LBJ!! We have spoken!! Do you think I have used enough exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back in the saddle again baby

I am back after a break from baby talk and baby thought. I now have to wait AGAIN to TTC until Feb or Mar. This is due mostly from financial concerns but also about how my weight is affecting my chances. I have to lose weight or has less of a chance to work in my favor. SOOOOO, that is what I am doing. Taking the time to eat healthy and lose weight and also to get my money in order. I took a big hit when I had an emergency and now I am playing catch up and gearing up for the holiday gift buying rush.
Work is going well, we have fun and things are good. Having a sup who is younger does have it's benefits. I just wish I got paid more, but what else is new. We do have preggo lady here and watching her belly pass by me everyday is damn hard. I just have to keep believeing that my time will come.
Family is good. The kids are growing by leaps and bounds and getting mouthier by the day. I love them so much, they keep me going sometimes when I would rather give up.

driving in neutral

Everything is going well lately kind in neutral on long stretch of highway where you can just listen to the radio and coast. TTC is on hold yet again as I need to get my health and finances in good or better condition before I do down that road again. I am welcoming the break in order to regroup and chart. I am back on Weight Watchers and am doing my best to make it work for me and by hectic lifestyle. I am also spending a lot of time with family which is my main stress reliever.
I would like to give a shout out to my friend TWONDRA!!!!! I will be praying for you and Mark and your little ones as you go through IVF this month.
My friend Anna is in long term care but is not expected to make it past another two weeks or so. She is brain dead so her spirit is gone but her body is hanging on. I have said goodbye and let her go. And I know that is exactly what she would have wanted.

Thank You Rajen!

If you look at the picture to the right you will see the "pieces of me" mosiac that I created at the suggestion of one of my favorite bloggers Rajen Creation. Here are her instructions with my answers to the questions:
Here’s the meme:If you want to play too, type your answer to each of the questions below into a Flickr search. Using only the first page, choose your favorite image, then copy and paste each of the URL’s into the mosaic maker (3 columns, 4 rows) - I regularly use this one. If you decide to play, leave a comment so I can have a peek.
The questions:
1. What is your first name? Roxann
2. What is your favorite food? Pasta
3. What high school did you attend? Mishawaka
4. What is your favorite color? Red
5. Who is your celebrity crush? Wentworth Miller
6. Favorite drink? Cappuccino
7. Dream vacation? New York City
8. Favorite dessert? Chocolate Ice Cream
9. What do you want to be when you grow up? Clothing designer
10. What do you love most in life? Being loved
11. One word to describe you. Tenacious
12. Your Flickr name. Roxie
This was fun and very interesting to look at when all put together.

My friend Anna T.

My very good friend and co-worker Anna had a massive stroke Monday while on vacation in L.A with her husband Roman. She is now in a coma and will be have a surgery to help remove a blood clot in her brain. I pray to you God, please let Anna be your miracle today.
It is not fair that the most wonderful, good people are the ones to suffer so greatly. I am probably projecting here but that is how I feel right now. Anna has been so supportive in my TTC efforts and was my walking buddy, although at her pace I was running to keep up with her!

Oh Bloody Hell!!!!!!!!!!

There was a shakeup in the office and my now supervisor has been promoted and the office busybody (whom no one likes) has become my supervisior. I can't stand this woman. What's worse is that this announcement was made in an all staff meeting that was called this morning. We (the three people directly impacted by this) were not told in private prior to this, we were ambushed in the meeting. I come from the corporate world so working in higher education has been a lesson in taking shit. This would have NEVER happen in a "real" business. I will learn to work with whoever I have to, I am after all a big girl. BUUTTTT, I do not have to be happy about this at all right now.
On the TTC front, not much just taking a break and enjoying the peace. I should be ready to try again in Oct. or Dec.

Thank you!

Thank you to the ladies who left me such kind comments. You don't know how much better that made me feel. I was wallowing in my misery (rolling in my own shit as my BFF Nicky puts it, such a southern gentleman) for far too long. Everything just seemed to be too much to take, the bfn, the money issues, all of it. You ladies lifted my sprits up and I feel hopeful again. Thanks!!!!!

Feeling better

I am now feeling a little better and able to get back to life. The disappointment was so hard to take this time and I feel like it gets worse every BFN. I will TTC again in October so it's not that long until that happens. I was able to spend the day with Anika yesterday so that helped tremendously to take my mind off of things. For now, I will concentrate on the here and now and try not to worry too much about those things I have no control over.

BFN

that's all for today

The wait is the hardest part

Still nothing much to report. I have some weird crampy, full sensations in my uterus and have not been able to get enough food. I also am very tired but that is nothing new. I will test this Friday morning so CD12 as waiting until sunday is just too much to bear. I have just been praying my heart out that this worked as I will have to wait a few months to try again.

Not much to report

Still waiting to test. Today is CD8 and I am feeling very fatigued and my moods go from laughing my ass off at pretty much nothing to crying at everything. That could be just from the stress of the TWW. I am still working the 2nd job which is just a couple of hours in the evening during the week, which is keeping me distracted. My first test day is this Friday so I have the rest of this week to wonder what's really going on in my uterus. I will keep blogging as much as I can this week, just to keep sane if at all possible.

Here's the dish

So I showed my midwife the first pos opk and she said it just wasn't dark enough, which it really wasnt't. So I tested again on Sat and it really was pos, no doubt. So, Sunday morning the IUI was done. It really wasn't painful and I was in my own bed. It took a total of 15 min. and having my Mom there really helped. It was the most perfect timing. So now here I am in the TWW again, 2dpo. I am trying not to think too far ahead but I am staying positive.
I am really tired right now as my Godmother, who had colon cancer for years, went with God this past Friday afternoon. I mourned but she asked us not to do so for very long as her suffering is now over. Peggy Marlene Schultz is now with her beloved.

Weekend...here I come!!!

Here I am at 1:58p on Friday at work. I am bored and anxious, so ready to go home. You know typical Friday attitude. What is different about today? My IUI is tomorrow!!!! I got my pos opk this morning (cd15) and will do the IUI tomorrow afternoon. Talk about ready, I almost did it today just to get it over with. Good thing my midwife/medicine woman is a rational person and talked me into waiting until the normal time frame. She will be coming over in the afternoon to do the deed and make sure I stay put for at least an hour. My Mom will be there along with Rosa so I will have my wise women by my side, which is a Native American tradition during childbirth.
So, here we go baby!!!!

My swimmers are to arrive today!

Well, since my opks seem to be getting darker I had the tank arrive today. So IUI WILL be taking place this week or this weekend.
On another note, I was reading through my past posts and realized just how whiney I sound. I use this place to vent but geez I complain a lot. Mostly about money and my job. The clomid does play with my moods but I will try in the future to make mention of the good things going on in my life. Such as, Anika is coming to stay the night with me and Mom tomorrow. We are both so exited. She is now walking and is so beautiful. She talks a little and it is so neat to watch her. I will be taking tomorrow night off just to spend time with her.

And the testing begins

today is cd 11 and I begin opk testing. I am getting very anxious for this to happen. It seems like it took so long to get here and now it is going full speed ahead.
Last night was Anika's 1st b-day party and she was sooo cute. Mom and I gave her, her first bible and a little precious moments angel doll that says a prayer. The entire time I was imagining my childs 1st day and what that would feel like. I have been very weepy so it was all I could do to keep it together.
On the job front, it has become increasingly clear that taking this job was a mistake. So, I have applied for my old job at Liberty. I am aware of the office politics and the demands of that job and it is very out in the open there. Here everything is covert. I was hired at a way lower salary than what I was making with the promise of a raise in July (this month) and I was given a raise of 250$ dollars. Whoa! stand back I can now quit my 2nd job. The problem is, I am not being trained to handle more responsibility and was now told that they will not be training me for more because they don't have a budget to pay me more. I will not be able to work two jobs while pregnant and this job is not for me. Live and learn I guess. So hopefully, my old job will take me back. If not, then I will have to stay here for a while longer. I am not a job hopper so all of this make me feel a bit insecure. I just keep praying that something good will happen soon.

She has arrived!!

As of my B-day July 18th AF arrived. On CD3 which was sunday (yesterday) I boarded the Clomid roller coaster. Hold on tight!!! IUI should occour on or around Aug 3rd or 4th if my body cooperates. So I call today to schedule my shipment of lucky #190
Right now I am so exited and it is helping to counter the dissapointment and stress of going back to work after having a wonderful 4 days off. The hot flashes are something else altogether. Especially in this 90 degree 100% humidity heat. Well here we go folks. And word up to Tammy and Mark who did their IUI's this weekend!

Anticipation is the hardest part

It is not now cycle day 27. I am awaiting AF to start the clomid and get the TWW underway. I can hardly stand this wait. I seem to be getting very iritable with almost everyone. Most of the time I am able to stay positive but there are times when someone will get rude with me (job hazzard in financial aid) and I will want to rip them apart.
Working two jobs is getting a little easier but the people at my full time job who know I clean offices at night are really condescending about it. They would have never known if someone (the office snoop) hadn't seen me changing clothes in the bathroom and asked me why. I foolishly told her and now everyone is calling me Hazel. This is a elitist university and that type of thing is beneath them in their minds. Little do they know how I struggle to make it on my own. Speaking of which I would like to give a huge shout out to all the SMBC's who are doing it for themselves!!

Ok, it happened

Saturday, finally got a good positive on the opk and sunday was really dark. This morning, was faint, so I probably o'd yesterday by the o pains I had. So, yes, I feel much better. Next cycle will be the big one! I am getting exited and anxious. It should happen around the 1st of August.
Next Friday the 18th is my 33rd b-day. I was hoping to be preg or be a full fledged mommy by now. I am ok with still be on the ttc track but you don't really just get over it, ever. Those with fertility issues understand where I'm coming from. Your mind just never really let's go of the "what if?"
I will be going into Chicago for my b-day and spending the day at the aquarium and having a nice lunch with my mom. That alone will get me through the next two weeks of 13 hour workdays and 90 degree heat.
Good luck and babydust to all!

Should I be worried?

Today is CD16 and still no clear opk. If anything, those faint lines are getting lighter. I can't help but worry, having a child means everything to me. I am trying very hard to stay calm and distract myself but my mind keeps going back to thinking, "did I do something wrong?". Am I drinking too much coffee, stressing too much, what? Normally, if I O on my own it is around CD 24 so I shouldn't be surprised. BUUUTTTTT I want the Clomid to do it's thing. Ya know?

oh where oh where can my little egg be?

I still do not have a pos OPK. This is now CD15. I think I may be delaying it with all my stress. So, I will take the 3 day holiday weekend to relax and let it all go.
The working two jobs thing is not that bad. Physically, cleaning offices is hard on my poor, fat, out of shape body, but I will get better with it. I keep reminding myself (as the gas prices rise) that it is for my own good. It will take a good four months for everything to even out financialy but I am not sure that I can do this while in early pregnancy. I will give it my best shot but my baby comes first and I will quit in a hearbeat if I need to.
I keep praying and having faith that I will get my BFP with this next cycle and start off on my own new adventure.

Squeasy Queasy

Had a great weekend with my neices and oldest nephew, although much too short (as always). I swear, someone should do study on why the workweek drags and the weekend feels like one hour!
OPK's are getting darker and I am getting queasy. I'm not sure why, maybe the clomid? I get this wave of nausea and fatigue and then I'm fine.

Much better now

I seem to be much better now after a good nights sleep. I still have hot flashes that rival a bonfire but the mood swings are getting better. I start the OPK dance today and have a faint pos so things are getting underway. Just knowing that progress is being made helps me deal with the roller coaster ride that is TTC.
I start my night job this Monday so I may be MIA but I will update as much as I can. I don't know how long I can keep up with the hours but I will quit when I feel it is too much to handle. The goal is to get out of the money hole as fast as possible and then go back to my one measly job :)
Here's to a great weekend for all!!!!!

Ok.......

This is not fun anymore. I am hot, tired and can't sleep and feel like either crying or screaming....or both. I felt like crap yesterday and had to leave work early in order to just decompress. I am doing my best not to stress out over little things or big ones. Money is always in the back of my mind right now, especially when my gas tank is low. I just need to keep relying on God to see me through. I know that all of this is going to get me my baby so I can take it!

all is well

This is day 4 on Clomid and so far everything is fine. The only side affect I am feeling right now is hot flashes and fatigue. Other than that, so far so good. I have been feeling somewhat heavy in the ovaries but nothing I can't manage.
Yesterday I got to spend the day with my two youngest nieces Mekah and Anika. It was so much fun and exhausting. Anika is learning to walk and never wants to be still. Mekah is three years old and never stops asking why. We spent some time in the kiddie pool until it threatened to rain and then watched a few Disney movies. It was the best day I have had in a long time.
I have been really, super stressed about money lately. So I had a very long talk with God and came to the conclusion that no matter what, I will be fine. I may up to my eyes in bills and a loan that I have to pay back in month, but I can do this. There are things that I can cut out until things even out (starbucks and eating out) and taking the bus three days a week is not going to kill me (at least it's air conditioned). Such is the life a single income household. It does me no good to stress about something that I am already do what I can to resolve. God takes very good care of me and will not let me fail.

And were off......

CD 3, day one of Clomid. So far so good, just a little dizzy at the moment not at all unpleasant. However, I do reserve the right to change my mind on that. I am so exited and ready to do this.
I am trying to stay positive in light of the money problems going on with me right now. I had a long talk with God and decided that whatever happens, I will be alright. Even if I don't work a 2nd job, it will take me a few months to dig outof this money hole and I am so determined not to get in another. I will also be taking the bus to work for while which is free with my employee id card. I have to leave the house an hour early every morning but it should save me at least 40$ a week in gas.
I have parents calling everyday telling us that they are losing their jobs and homes and can't pay for their kids to go to school anymore. It breaks my heart and at least I have my job and home.
Well, more Clomid updates to come. Good luck and babydust to everyone!!

The sad state of the economy.......

reflected in my life. I now have a 2nd job, working part-time in the evening cleaning offices. Why? For fucking gas money, which by the way is now $4.19 here in South Bend. Can you tell I'm angry? I was doing just fine getting along on my little salary. Granted I was never able to go to Europe or buy 10 vials of sperm at a time, I was making it. Then IT happened. I had to have a tooth extracted and my insurance won't pay for it. So, in order to not be in mucho pain, I took money out of my account and paid for it, which put me in a nice, big money hole that I can't seem to get out of without a 2nd job. The really shitty thing is, there are other people working this night job who are in the same situation as I. College educated, middle class, working folks who can't seem to cover all our expenses with just one job. The good news is this should be temporary and is only during the week, no weekends. It seems like the price of EVERYTHING went up and my paycheck didn't get bigger. So here I go working from 8am-11pm m-f while trying to stay calm and healthy before my big TTC cycle next month. BTW---today is cd1 of the "great dry run of 2008" so I should be starting the Clomid this Friday or Sat.

getting soooo close

Well, it's almost time!! Things worked out ok with the money. I was able to sell my season football tickets and now have ordered my vials and have my clomid ready to go. I am so glad I switched to Midwest. When I ordered my donor the director herself told me alot about my donor. He has confirmed pregnancies and is a great guy with "pretty green eyes". I feel so strongly about him.
The OB recomended a "dry run" for this next cycle, so I will be taking the clomid without doing the IUI. So here we go :)!! I am so ready for this. Dr. E says clomid tends to have a cumulative effect so taking it for one month before the IUI may increase my chances of BFP. I am a bit worried about the side affects but that is par for the course. Mom said that the side affects sound alot like pregancy itself so it will be practice:)

Crap!!!

Why does this always seem to happen??? I had an unexpected expense (dental surgery) and now my checking account is majorly overdrawn, which means I will be taking a small loan for the IUI this month. It won't take me long at all to get caught up, but I hate feeling as if I have no control over my fiances. I was doing so well until this happened. Because I only get paid twice a month, I sit on pins and needles until my next paycheck. The cost of gas here (4.05!!) is also causing me to hyperventilate. I will be taking public transportation at least a few days a week for the summer, this should save me at least 30-40 bucks a week. Let's hope this all blows over soon. The best case senario is to get PG right away as I don't have the moulah to try a second time for least a few months and I am so damn tired to waiting.

Almost there!!

Can you believe it is almost time already? My IUI should be at the end of June, provided my body cooperates. I have one more cycle before the cycle that I do the deed. I have OB appt this Thurs. to get instructions on Clomid and make sure everything is set for the go ahead. I am hoping the side effects are minimal as I do work with the public and don't want to bite anyones head off!
I haven't been posting or responding to the boards lately as my computer has bit the dust:( and I don't know when I will get it replaced. I need all the cash I can get right now. Of course I hope I get my BFP on the first try back from a loooong break but I need to be realistic and have cash available for a 2nd try if needed.
Here's to a great summer kickoff filled with BFP's for all!!!!

Long time no talkie

I know, it's been almost a month with no update. Things are pretty steady around here, not much going on. Weather is getting consistently better and I am getting more active. Weight loss has stalled but I am still working on it and probably always will.
IUI is still set for June, probably late in the month. That decision was made due mostly to finances, otherwise I would be trying this cycle.
The stresses of everyday life come and go and I am trying my best to just deal with them. Work is great other than the occasional asshat coworker. Finances are getting better, but sometimes I wish it would just rain money. As if :)
Congrats to all the BFP's and to Michelle and Nick on their impending adoption. Good luck and Babydust to all of us TTC!!!

Beautiful day!!

It is finally spring my friends!! The sun is out, yard work is getting done and my body is sore!!! All winter I pretty much sat on my butt. I lost about 12 lbs. then promptly gained it back when I got sick and held down the damn couch for weeks on end. I have been up and about the past two days and now my body is paying me back.
I have roughly a month and a half before the IUI! Right now I am concentrating on getting rid of coffee (can say headache?) and taking my vitamins on time. I may not hit my weight loss goal but I am so happy right now. Having my family's support has meant the world to me. Speaking of which, look at the pic of my neices and nephews on the left! I may be a little bit biased, but aren't they gorgeous? Here is to a great week for all!!

Food for the TTC soul

A baby asked God, 'They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?' God said, 'Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you.' The child further inquired, 'But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy.' God said, 'Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy.' Again the child asked, 'And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?' God said, 'Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak.' 'And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?' God said, 'Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray.' 'Who will protect me?' God said, 'Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life.' 'But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.' God said, 'Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you.' At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, 'God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name.' God said, 'You will simply call her, 'Mom.'
My sister in law sent this to me last week. She just knew that I am getting anxious and ready to do the IUI. I keep have the most wonderful dreams of seeing two perfect lines!!
My nieces cat had six of the cutest kittens in the world. I have already picked mine out. A dark calico girl I have named Julia Darling.

On the way up the mountain

It looks as though things are really getting good. IUI will be on schedule in June, finances are on track, job is great and family support is 110%. Such a turnaround from this time last year. I can't believe I was so naive to think I could go it alone. I also can't believe how much I didn't know about my body and TTC. I thank all the ladies on the NW for educating me.
Speaking of which. The NW board has become a place where assholes are attacking those of us who are there to get and give support. I hope to God they get lost.
Here's to a great week with the love, laughter and more love!!

Mom's new knee

I haven't posted in while due to some illness(major stomach bug). Work is going wel,although I have taken a couple days off for the illness. We are really busy and the days are going by fast. I continue to learn and continue to love every aspect of it. I thank God I was given this opportunity to leave Liberty Mutual and move on to Notre Dame. What a blessing!!
My Mom had knee replacement this past Friday and it went really well. She will be coming home tomorrow afternoon. I moved her bed upstairs with me until she is able to go back downstairs to her apartment.
I am getting really anxious for my IUI in June. It is coming up really fast. I keep doing everything I can most of the time to get my body ready for it. I am doing these visualizations of the procedure going perfectly and getting my BFP the first time. I can hope right?

GO DONOVAN!!!

My gorgeous, wonderful, talented 15 yr old nephew has won 1ST place in his wrestling tourney. He has worked so hard this season and really dedicated himself to training and his grades. Can you tell how proud I am?
In TTC news, I have found someone who will do my IUI at home for free!! A very close friend of mine who is a former nurse and knows how to do IUI's is more than willing to do mine in my home whenever I need it. This helps in that my insurance, which is through a very Catholic unversity will not pay for this at all, not even the meds. This takes a huge weight off my shoulders. Things just keep getting better and better.
In contrast to the previous post, I really do love my job. I enjoy what I do and where I work. There will always be those people that try to spoil it, but I can ignore them and do my best. I have to thank Tammy and Mrs. LALA and Marlana as well as all of the NW message board girls who have given so much suppport over the past year. You lassies have no idea how much you have lifted me when I felt like giving up. OH and Mrs. LALA...CONGRATS on the BFP!!!!!!!!

Pollyanna psycho bitch

The "temp" at work, mentioned in previous posts, is seriously crazy. She acts like two different people depending on whose around. She really wants my job, although it is mine and will remain mine. So, she does profoundly stupid things to make me look bad and ends up showing her own ass. She tells my supervisior every little thing she thinks I may be doing wrong and I mean everthing such as "Roxann went to the restroom 3 times today". She also claims that everytime I go to the back room to work on a project I was assinged to, the phone rings off the hook and she is just too busy. Little does she know that I have a phone in the back room and can see what lines are ringing. I remain calm and professional at work, so when I get home, I vent. Big time. The only consolation is I know she will be gone by June. :)
Af is on time again like clockwork. I just hope she decides to be this regular when IUI time comes. I have not been walking this week due to a migraine and the crappy weather so I feel a little stiff and groggy. It is amazing how fast the body adapts to a healthy lifestyle and will let you know when you mess it up.
Well, here's to a great weekend. I am going to see Donovan wrestle Friday and Sat. Good luck D!!!

A new spring in my step

I can't explain why but I have just fallen in to this really wonderful state of mind recently. My moods have been postive for the most part and my diet and excercise plan are going great! I have lost 12.5 pounds total and the loss is going really slow but I feel good about it. My energy level is increasing and I am ovulating again. My LP is still 6 days or less on average and I have begun taking Vitex in an effort to help it along. I will still be using Clomid for the IUI in June.
I am still walking on my lunch breaks and now that the weather is getting better I am able to walk around one of the lakes we have on campus. I am also getting off the pain pills I have been taking for my back. I have been on these for about three years except for the few months I was TTC last year. I don't feel that I need them anymore since doing the back strengthening and losing weight. My Dr. told me that due to the length of time on them I may have a few weeks of "discomfort" whatever that means. I don't care I will get through it. Well, here's to a great week full of sunshine and BFP's for all!!

Food for the soul

It is amazing how spending time with children can really re-energize my outlook on life. I had my niece Mekah and my nephew Donovan this weekend. We went to the library and rented movies and just really had a great time. This has been a fairly hard winter on my mind and body, so being with them was really special. It seems as though the weather may be finally breaking into spring this week. We will keep our fingers crossed!!!!
I am doing very well on my diet and excersise plan so I may be moving the IUI up to May. I am sticking to my healthy eating 90% of the time which is my personal goal and walking everyday on my lunch break. I am also starting prenatal yoga at night to help me strengthen my muscles and quiet down my mind. I am so ready to get PG that sometimes I can't even sleep at night!
Finances are also looking better as things get back on track. The job is great and I love it. There is one woman, a temp for the busy season, who really gets on my nerves but I am dealing with it. She wanted to be hired for the job I got but didn't get it and she never fails to mention it daily.
Oh well, I got the job and I'm staying put!!

A new day

I feel so much better. The past few weeks have been pretty rough for me. Lack of sleep and sunlight were not helping my depression. Well, this past week I took really good care of myself and got plenty of sleep and good healthy food. It has made all the difference.
I have a donor!!! I went over my top 4 choices and finally found my favorite. I am very pleased with my decision and can't wait for June when I will have my IUI. It may seem like a long time from now but I know from experience that time flys. I haven't been charting like I should and need to get crackin on that.
Well, here's to a great weekend and to all my ladies currently in the TWW....BABYDUST!!!!!

The question that never gets an answer

Why? Why is it so easy for some people and so hard for others?
This past week I found out that a 15 year old girl that I used to babysit gave birth to a baby boy. A woman at work found out she is pregnant and can't stop talking about how she doesn't want this baby. Both of these things have put me in such a slump that I just need to vent and get it out. It makes me so damn mad that some people get the world on a platter presented to them without any effort on their part and I have to work so freakin hard for EVERYTHING I have. I know it sounds like I am just being a whiner but this is how I feel. I try so hard and I watch others get everything done for them and they don't seem to appreciate it.
I will celebrate the day I become PG and everyday of my pregnancy..morning sickness and all. I will thank God for labor pain, poopy diapers, sore nipples, hemoroids, 2am feedings and never having any money or time for myself.

Taste of Spring

Today is warm (42degrees) and rainy although I don't mind the rain. Yesterday I finally was able to get out into the sunshine. It's just a little spring teaser. I went on a bargain shopping trip with Mom and got some pretty good stuff. Every once in a while we will hit all the Goodwill and Salvation army stores in town. It's a way to have fun and not spend a lot of money. I made sure ALL my bills were paid first so this was totally guilt free.
A very special shout out to Michelle and Nick who after years of TTC, got their precious BFP with IVF. I am praying for a healthy and joyous 9mos ahead for both of them. When I read the news I cried and laughed and it felt like getting my own BFP.
Speaking of which, I have lost 10.5 lbs so far and my cycles are already getting back to "normal". I'm thinking May or June for the IUI. I am staying focused on getting healthy and doing the right things for my mind and body to prepare for my little angel.
Here's to a great week ahead for all!!!

flu

I have been so sick this past week with the damn flu. I have taken the past two days off work which is not good at all. I know I need to get well but I hate to think what I am missing when I'm gone. Flu is running rampant on the ND campus this very harsh, craptacular winter so there are a lot of us out of the office. It all started with one person coming in to work sick as a dog and bragging about her "great work ethic" because she came in to work feeling horrible. Since then, which was only two weeks ago, we have all fallen one by one. Hope everyone else if feeling well and staying strong.

Happy B-Day Mom!!!

Today is my mom's 58th b-day. I love my Mom so much it is crazy. We have always been close but this past year we have grown so much closer. Since I have been TTC I understand her so much more and having her support me through all of it has meant the world to me. I made her a dinner of her choice which was-tomato salad with fresh mozzerella and cilantro, southern fried buttermilk chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans with bacon and slivered almonds and a lemon tort with lemon custard ice cream. I think I just gained 5 lbs typing that out :) We also got to spend a little time with my youngest neice Anika who is 7mos old. We don't get a lot of time alone with her because my SIL is a little weird about controlling her children when they are babies. Oh well, that's her perogitive.
It was a good day and right now I am keeping one eye on the superbowl and I am hoping the Giants win. When my Bears aren't playing I like to root for the underdogs.
Here's to a great week filled with wonderful people and positive experiences.

About that car of yours....

Well it was about 20 below today and my car doors were frozen shut. So, I called in to work and let them know I wouldn't be in. An hour later when I got the door opened and started the car, it acted as if I were killing it. Spitting, sputtering and misfireing like crazy. So I took it down the block to my mechanic where he found that it needed new iginition (spark plug) wires which will cost me over 200$ with labor. So here I am now even more broke. CRAP!! I am so frustrated. Why can't these things be spaced out instead of happening all at once. Add to that I had to call in to a job I just started. They understood but still that does not look good.
On a different note heres a shout out to Tammy and Mark who are leaving for Hawaii on Saturday!!! You guys are so lucky to get out of this midwesten tundra. Have FUN!!!!!

Good day

Hada good day today. Just a plain old good day. Nothing spectacular happened other than AF showed up in her normal way. My car is still having issues, I'm still short of cash but I feel good. I guess I just realized that life goes on even when I have my problems. I'm sorry it took me 32 years to figure that out.

SEVEN!!!

That is how much weight I have lost as of this morning!! I guess when I really put my mind to it I can do it. Nah really, my secret is I have been taking Alli, the pill that removes 25% of the fat you eat. It was expensive but I figured it would be a good tool along with a healthy diet and so far so good. I have not had any the the "treatment effects" as they are called which it hard to control bowel movements and oily stool. I am too afraid of crapping my pants to go over my fat gram allowance LOL!!
I have also been walking from the parking lot to my office which is about a 1/4 mile instead of taking the shuttle and walking the stairs at lunch. I would be doing more but it has been subzero here for most of the past two weeks.
I have also found a great financial plan on the web and will be going by a budget that it created to get back on track within the next few months and get my ass out of debt. I have a bad habit of going shopping when the going gets rough and baby has it been rough the past several months. I got myself in over my head and will get myself out.
Every positive step it take gets me closer to my little angel. I keep saying that don't I? Well I guess it will be my mantra!

$2,475

That is how much my ER visit cost. WOW!!! Gratefully I have pretty good insurance and my co-pay is $120. I can handle that. Speaking of money, when is rains it pours and I don't mean in a good way. My car started having some issues with the cold weather (it is -12 here in IN) and I took it in to have it looked at-that cost me 60$. Of course there is nothing wrong with the car other than it is 11 yrs old. Also my highly advanced system of keeping track of my bills( putting them in a drawer and then paying them online when they are due) has failed. Three different bills fell in the back of the drawer and are now late so not only do I have late fees I have to make two payments to catch up. I am usually not this disorganized but with not feeling well lately I have just let some things go. So my plan is to catch up and try like mad to get ahead with my tax refund which I should have by late Feb.
I have lost 3lbs!!! I feel really good about that considering that I have not been able to excerise as much as I would like due to the weather. Every pound lost is a step closer to my little angel.
Work is also going very well. I feel so at home there and have made some great friends. No one knows about my TTC and I won't tell until I feel it is appropriate. Leaving the job from hell was the best thing I could have done.
Last but not least, I am sending baby dust to all my ladies in the TWW or headed there this week (shari!!). I am also sending love to those who have had a loss. It hurts my heart to hear when someone has lost their precious little angels. Peace be with you.

Gigglebaby tagged me!!!!

http://gigglebaby-gigglebaby.blogspot.com/
The Rules:1) Link to the person that tagged you
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!six things about me
I love shopping on ebay which is where I get most of my opk's, I vacum my carpet everyday and get cranky if I can't get to it, I love ice cold water I won't drink water unless it is iced, I have to take a shower every morning-I won't leave the house until I do I don't care how late I am running, I read every night before bed-I have a hard time sleeping if I skip reading, arrogant people make me so mad-they can set me off in a hot second.

OK here goes I tag Nubianlez http://nubianlez.blogspot.com/
Candace http://www.bringonthediapers.blogspot.com/ And Deena http://thelazyp.blogspot.com/

Answers

Well, I did have a cyst on my ovary that burst. It hurt like hell and now I am healing. Dr.E also confirmed that my weight is a huge (pun intended) factor in the irregularity of AF and ovulation. Now I just need to keep working on it. She wants to see me in 3 months to check everything and see if I am ready to TTC again. I don't think I have lost any weight yet but I am still going at it.

My Saturday in the ER

Wow what a way to spend my weekend! Here' s the lowdown. AF finally left wednesday. Since the bleeding stopped I have been having very bad cramps that have gotten increasingly worse. I can't miss any work because I just started this job so going to the Dr. really wasn't an option. This morning I went to see my brother (who tore his ACL skiing by the way) and when I lifted my neice to hug her I felt a pull in my lady parts and the cramps got even worse. On the way home from Jimmy's house my mom convinced me to go ahead and go into the ER and get checked. I had a four tubes of blood taken, peed in a cup, had a pelvic exam by the roughest old man Dr in the world, had an ultrasound and a vaginal ultrasound. Well, I have a cyst on my right ovary that may have burst. They really didn't have an answer as all the tests were well within the normal limits. I did find out that the blood flow to my ovaries is very normal and my uterus is tilted. I have to follow up with my OB/GYN so I will have to go on my lunch break or something. I feel better now after some pain meds.
I guess I am just feeling really down about all this. All I want is to be a mom. Now I feel like a failure. Added to that some unexpected bills came in and I am in a financial tight spot for now. I know things will even out and I will get pregnant eventually but right now it just feel insurmountable.
On the bright side the new diet is going somewhat well. Not perfect but I can see some new habits forming as I get the hang of this. And work is going really well. I am learning the ropes and working under the "golden dome" has some really great perks.
Well, here's to a better rest of the weekend!

UH OK

AF is finally tapering off very slowly. I still am not sure what the heck is going on here.
I am starting my new diet tomorrow. The more I read, the better I like it. It starts with phase one which has me start to change habits by asking me to eat breakfast, stop eating two hours before bed and start moving more. I like that the changes are gradual and with that more likely to stick. Then it moves on to more changes once the new ones have become habits.
I weighed myself this morning for the first time in months. What I am about to say shocks an embarasses me and normally I would take it to my grave. But I fear if I do keep it to myself then the grave may come sooner than expected. I weigh 259 lbs!!!!! I am 5'5 so this is a very noticable thing. I denied my weight gain for sooo long that I did not know how much damage I was doing to my body. This is the most I have ever weighed and this is not a healthy pre-pregnancy weight. I have made a firm decision to lose at least 50 lbs before even starting to think about the IUI. I believe that my recent reproductive problems are due in large part to my weight. I can do this. I put on the weight and I can take it off. I want my baby so badly it hurts and My body needs to be in optimal health to handle this.
Well, enough confessions. Here's to a fantastic week!!!!!

26 days???????

What the fuck? I apologize for my language but this is scaring me to death. I have been bleeding for 26 days straight. The past three days have been very heavy bleeding and I am soooo tired. Dr. E ran a complete blood count and everything came back better than normal. She said to rest and drink plently of fluids. This is normally when I would be starting my next cycle so she wants to wait a few days and if it does not taper off we will see about a D&C. She really thinks I had miscarriage and with my wacky hormones this is really screwing with my body.
I have made the very hard decision to wait until at least March to TTC again with the IUI. I need time to adjust to this new job (which I love by the way) and get the $ straight. Also, with what is happening with my body I need to get healthy. I am starting the "Best Life Diet" created by Bob Greene. I decided on this because it is a total lifestyle diet and is very long term and healthy as a pregnancy diet as well. Mom is going on this with me. I ordered the book and two journals and they should be here this week. Six years ago Mom had gastric bypass and lost 235 lbs!! She has since gained back 60 and her health is not so great. We really need to turn this around. Since she will be my live in child care provider I have a great stake in getting her as healthy and strong as possible.
Well here's to a great Friday and Babydust to all my ladies in the TWW. Tammy and Gigglebaby you two are really on my mind this week.